Birthday Disappointment (and a Better Way Forward)Why birthdays can feel loaded in adult friendships—and how to think about them differently
Wow—so episode #190 about planning your own birthday (and not waiting for others to do it for you) hit a nerve with listeners. I want to summarize what I’ve been hearing from this discussion. First, a quick recap of what Debra Arbit, my close friend and guest, did for her 45th birthday that got my wheels and listeners’ wheels turning. Debra has lots of friends—some overlap, many don’t. Since her 40th was during COVID times, she decided to make a bigger deal of her 45th. All she wanted was a day of her favorite activities with her favorite people. So SHE planned it. The plan: Coffee and a casual breakfast at a favorite nearby spot. Mahjong for part of the morning with experienced players. Sushi for lunch. And Debra wanted to cook for a few hours in the afternoon, which will make sense when you check out her passion project of cooking her way through many cookbooks. (Look at @fortheloveofcookbooks on Instagram. It’s amazing!) How did Debra pull this perfect birthday off with different friends throughout the day? She created a Signup Genius and let people choose what to join. She also added a weekend brunch option at her house for anyone who couldn’t make the weekday events. Did this mean that some people came to parts of the day where they (gasp) didn’t know each other? YES. And that’s because Debra, like many adults, doesn’t have one set group of friends. We had a great discussion about that in the episode. You should listen! But now you know enough to understand the rest of this post. The sore spots:While some listeners felt energized by the idea of planning their birthdays (whether that’s a party, a series of smaller events like Debra did, or a one-on-one lunch/coffee/walk), others had a very different reaction. This did not surprise me. It’s exactly why I wanted to do this episode! For many of you, birthdays have become an emotional checkpoint that raises questions about your friendships and your place in other people’s lives. (It doesn’t have to be this way, but I know how common it is.)
Reflecting . . .This is all not really about the plans or even the texts. It’s about what those gestures represent—feeling remembered, chosen, and valued in a visible way. Here’s the thing: most people aren’t thinking about how to plan your birthday. And that’s not because they don’t care. They’re making assumptions. They assume you already have plans, or prefer something low-key, or that you don’t like to make a big deal of it. Without clear signals, people fill in the blanks. And for people who plan their own birthdays, they may not see as their responsibility to also plan yours. As you will hear in the episode, I do not think you should rely on others to plan your birthday when you’re an adult. (To each their own, but that expectation often leads to frusteration and resentment.) Instead: use your birthday as an opportunity to be BE INVITING. It’s a rare time in a year to let others know you value them and you’d like for them to be part of your special day or week. On a hopeful note, some of you who’ve been waiting for others to plan and have felt disappointed said you’re willing to try something different. Not a big party, necessarily, but a shift toward planning a day that reflects what you actually want—and inviting people into it, the way Debra did. Not because it guarantees anything, but because it gives you a sense of agency. Final thoughtsBirthdays will probably always carry some emotional weight. But they don’t have to function as a test of your friendships, and they don’t have to be something you dread. You’re allowed to want to be celebrated, and you’re allowed to feel hurt when you’re not. Both can be true alongside the idea that you may need to take a more active role in shaping what your birthday looks like going forward. Make it easier for people to celebrate you. Assume they want to, but may need some guidance from you, and that guidance might be YOU doing the planning. I’m grateful you shared your stories with me. I’m still thinking about all of it, and yes, still figuring out how I want to celebrate my 50th in December. 🎂🥳🎈
Listen to episode #190 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
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Friday, 3 April 2026
Birthday Disappointment (and a Better Way Forward)
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