One of the most common friendship complaints I hear is some version of this: I’m always the one who reaches out first. I always initiate the plans or even just the texts. If I didn’t reach out, we wouldn’t be friends.
Sometimes the person telling me this has already run the experiment. They stop texting first. They stop initiating plans. They wait to see what happens. (I’m very against testing your friends by the way. Communicate!)
And when nothing happens for a while, the conclusion feels obvious. The friend fails the test and the person writing to me says, “I guess the friendship mattered more to me than it did to them.”
In my recent conversation (episode #187) with Cate Osborn and Erik Gude, the authors of The ADHD Field Guide for Adults, we talked about something that complicates the “my friend doesn’t care” story. And that is—shame.
Specifically, we discussed the quiet shame that builds when someone hasn’t reached out for a while. Cate and Erik shed light on the person who does not reach out rather than the person waiting for the text. PEOPLE NEED TO HEAR THIS POINT OF VIEW.
Cate described a pattern many people with ADHD will recognize. At first, you forget to respond or follow up. A few days pass. Maybe a few weeks. At some point you notice the gap and think, Oh no, it’s been way too long. I don’t even know what to say. The embarrassment you feel means more time will pass.
There’s also the shame of friends being “out of sight, out of mind” when you have ADHD and knowing you’re likely being judged for it. It’s not about “not caring.” It’s about not having a system in place to remember to reach out just to chat or to make plans. It might be about not knowing when you’re even free to see that person or talk. Planning ahead can also be difficult for people with ADHD.
Meanwhile, you might not realize you’ve failed a your friend’s test. None of this erases the hurt and frustration on the other side. Feeling like you’re the only one initiating a friendship is exhausting. That feeling deserves attention and could be solved by one honest conversation. Cate described in the episode what that type of friend-conversation could look and sound like from both sides of the equation.
Erik reminded us that not everyone can manage the barrage of texts that are part of modern-day friendships. He described how he tells any new friend, “I’m not a texter.” And he’s really not a group texter! Erik explained that if someone has an issue with that or is going to always take it personally, he gets that texting is their preference, but it probably means they can’t be close friends. He encouraged people to be upfront about how they like to communicate early in a friendship to avoid assumptions and problems later on.
“The friendship calendar” that Cate created for herself is one of many helpful ideas for adults with ADHD who are trying to manage their friendships. She described a simple system that reminds her to check in with people she cares about by writing down who she’s going to reach out to and on what day. Without it, she explained, months would pass even though it’s never her intention to forget to reach out.
FOR MORE: Listen to episode #187 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get to podcasts!
READING: I’m listening to one book, reading two hardcovers, and reading one book on my Kindle. I know juggling all four is making it hard to finish any one of them, and I can’t say I recommend this method, but I really AM making progress on them all. I’m listening to Why We Click: The Emerging Science of Interpersonal Synchrony by Kate Murphy. And I’m reading the print version Eat Your Ice Cream: Six Simple Rules for a Long and Healthy Life by Ezekiel J. Emanuel as well as The Book of Women's Friendship: (edited by) Rachel CookeAnd. On my Kindle, I’m reading Allegra Goodman’s novel, This is Not About Us.
See my updated 2026 list for all the books so far.
TV: Well, Paradise is all I talk and think about and it’s basically become my entire personality. Still watching and loving Shrinking. Also watching Love Story, but just to be part of the tv-watching conversation out there and to enjoy the clothes and music. Daryl Hannah’s op-ed has me questioning everything we’re watching on that show. (NYT gift link)
RECIPE: You guys, I’ve landed back on BeanTok. (A lot of videos about eating beans.) I doubled this “Marry Me Butter Beans” recipe and ate it three times this week.
SHOPPING: Is it my age??? Give me all the linen! I’m ordering this Banana Republic top and pant. My friend Anna Goldfarb’s FANTASTIC book Modern Friendship is half off this week!
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
