Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for EveryoneAre they mad at me? Do they like me? Am I in trouble? (Make it stop!)
Your friend doesn’t text back right away. A tone feels slightly different. Plans change. Availability shifts. And suddenly the spiral starts: Are they mad at me? Should I check in? Did I offend someone? Did I do something wrong? This week on Dear Nina, I spoke with licensed psychotherapist Meg Josephson, author of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You, about this exact pattern—especially how it shows up in friendships. I’ve been singing the praises of Meg’s book for the past five months, so it was a thrill to interview her for the show! What I appreciated immediately about Are You Mad at Me is that Meg doesn’t frame people pleasing and the constant need for validation as a flaw or a bad habit we just need to break. She explains that people pleasing and validation seeking is a survival response, known as fawning. Many people learned it early as a way to stay safe, liked, and connected. It worked then. The problem is how easily that same instinct can ruin adult relationships. The problem of “fawning” in friendshipsAlways rushing to make sure you did nothing wrong and that you’re not “in trouble” with your friend is exhausting for both sides of that friendship. The constant monitoring will make you feel like you’re never a good enough friend. And having a friend who never feels secure in the friendship can get tiresome quickly. Instead of assuming neutrality or goodwill, the fawner assumes fault. Instead of tolerating discomfort, the fawner rushes to fix it. Instead of letting relationships breathe, the fawner monitors them constantly. I say this with zero judgement. As you will hear in the episode, I needed this episode FOR ME. Meg and I talked about how fawning shows up as overthinking, over-apologizing, and a constant focus on how we’re being perceived—especially by the people we care about most. One of the most important distinctions we get into is the difference between reassurance-seeking and real emotional connection. Asking “Are you mad at me?” over and over may feel like vulnerability, but it often keeps us stuck in the same loop. The relief is temporary. The anxiety always comes back. What actually helps instead of seeking your friend’s reassurance is learning how to slow down and tolerate discomfort. As Meg points out, healing a fawn response isn’t about convincing yourself that no one is ever mad at you or just doesn’t like you. It’s about learning how to be honest with yourself. Sometimes a situation calls for reflection, accountability, and repair. Sometimes we don’t click with someone or they don’t click with us. And sometimes there’s nothing to be done except letting the discomfort exist without contorting yourself to manage someone else’s perception of you. That’s often the hardest part. (And it’s exactly what Meg is discussing in the short clip below.)  Many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being liked meant staying safe. So when we sense even the slightest possibility of disapproval, we rush to smooth things over. We explain. We apologize. We make ourselves smaller or more agreeable. Not because we’re manipulative, but because we’re uncomfortable sitting with the idea that someone might not feel great about us. But not everyone has to like you. Hear me again: being disliked isn’t a crisis. A friend being disappointed isn’t a crisis. Learning to tell the difference between when we need to repair a slight rift and when we’re fawning is a practice. (Meg discusses her specific advice for that practice in her book and on my episode.) Doing this work is how friendships stop feeling fragile and start feeling steadier and more real. Listen to episode #183 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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Books, Shows, & Recipes I’m Into These Days
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
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Wednesday, 11 February 2026
Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for Everyone
Tuesday, 3 February 2026
Notes on Progressive Christian Parenting
Notes on Progressive Christian ParentingThe faith I'm passing on to my kids after the wreckage of American evangelical Christianity.
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I had launched a career as a Christian author in the American evangelical market, only to see the majority of that subculture follow a politician who has brought all manner of evil to our land. My time in that evangelical world is done—it has been done for a long time. This politician has bent over backwards to hide his affiliation with the most abusive and morally reprehensible people in the world. He has broken all kinds of laws and ignored the rulings of judges. Most recently, his henchmen have murdered American citizens right in the street without cause. Of course, his propagandists and many evangelicals have tried to say that this mother and nurse who were murdered, or executed, were killed for valid reasons. Yet, such conclusions stem from a predetermined conclusion, not a careful analysis of the facts that no court in our land would deny. Apparently, many conservative evangelical Christians in America are making excuses for murdering moms and nurses in the streets. I had already opted out in 2015 when the mania for this politician first took hold, but now it feels like so many evangelicals have crossed a line by either making excuses for this violence or condoning it by failing to speak against it. Yet, it’s not enough for me to reject the hypocrisy of American evangelicalism after so many have fused it with a corrupt and violent political movement. I have children growing up in a region filled to the gills with evangelicals who have fused politics with their faith. How can I give my kids a faith of substance and relevance that unites them with God without entangling them in a compromised religious movement drunk on political power and violence? It’s one thing to warn them, but I also want to give them something true to hold onto. If they are holding on to an authentic relationship with Jesus, I would hope they won’t be tempted by the counterfeit that is fused with politics and culture wars. If I’m not passing along the evangelical Christianity that I have been immersed in for most of my life, what should I give them? These days, I consider myself a progressive Christian as a member of the Episcopal Church. There are many types of Episcopal Christians (and different types of progressive Christians for that matter!). I once attended an Episcopal church where a priest strongly implied in his sermon that the historicity of the Resurrection was an open question! So, just to be clear, I’m writing from the perspective of a Nicene/Apostles’ Creed-affirming church/denomination that believes Jesus rose from the dead, the Bible is inspired, and prayer is a thing we should do. I am hardly an expert on progressive Christianity. I am also shaped by liberation theology, the ongoing legacy of the black church in America, and the Christian contemplative prayer tradition passed along through authors such as Merton and Nouwen. I suspect that a lot of folks who consider themselves progressive Christians have various blends of beliefs and backgrounds that may look very different from my own. I share these ideas as my personal notes on what I have tried to pass along to my children. They’re a work in progress from someone who is feeling his way in the dark along with many other distressed former evangelicals who have found a refuge in progressive communities like the Episcopal Church. Some of these ideas may sound way too evangelical to some readers, while other readers may fall out of their chairs as they read my white-hot heresy. Take what helps you, ignore what doesn’t. That’s what we do. We’re Protestants because we got tired of Popes telling us to believe crazy stuff like paying bribes to get our family into heaven. If you think one of my notes is bad, toss it and move along to the next one. I’ve said enough to set the stage for what follows. Here are a few notes on what I am trying to pass along to my children as a progressive Christian alternative to politically and culturally compromised evangelical Christianity in America: Christian Beliefs I’m Passing Along to My ChildrenEmpathy and mercy toward others are the good, natural results of loving our neighbors as ourselves. It’s so insane that I need to lay this one out right at the start, but that’s how far American evangelicals have fallen. “Toxic empathy” can fuck directly off. Do not pass GO, and do not collect $200. If you want to know what God is like, look at how God is revealed in the ministry of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. That complicates how we look back at the Old Testament/Hebrew scriptures, but it simplifies how we should live today. Listen to the prophets. Nothing has impacted me as dramatically as the prophets, especially Isaiah and Micah. Yet, so many of them spoke to people who thought of themselves as insiders with God who were immersed in apostasy toward God and injustice toward their neighbors. When I consider what radicalized me, it’s the prophets. God regularly takes the side of the poor and oppressed in the stories of the Bible. That doesn’t make all of the stories of the Bible easy to explain or accept, but it helps me a lot. Scripture was inspired by God for our benefit and transformation, but it was written at specific moments in history by people who saw the world in a particular way. It was composed with the integrity of its time, but even the people of the New Testament saw that God’s Spirit was moving in different ways in their own time than in the past. The Bible has several different ways of explaining how we can become united with God, or saved. Some are more helpful or relevant for us today than others. I find it most helpful to speak of Jesus defeating the powers of evil and death in this world and then sharing that new life through divine union with us. When we unite with Jesus, we participate in the life he offers. The cross is his victory over sin and evil in our world, and he shares that victory with us as members of his body who are united with him. Interpreting the Bible is much more like interpreting a poem or responding to a painting that represents something than following a strict blueprint. We have poems, historical records, prophetic scrolls, letters, and apocalyptic literature that all fit into the literature of their day and were written based on what people knew of at the time. That limitation makes it particularly challenging to speak with conservative Christians about gender equality or LGBTQ topics. Just as Peter had to learn that God had clearly accepted “Gentiles”, we now know enough about women and the LGBTQ community to say that the writers of scripture didn’t know enough in their culture and time in history. Evil will be defeated in our world, but the fate of those opposed to God is not spelled out clearly in the New Testament. Greek words like “Hades” or “Gehenna” that we translate as “hell” would not necessarily have meant “eternal conscious torment in hell” to people at the time of Jesus. There are different theories about the fate of those who reject Jesus, but “eternity in hell” is far from the only explanation. Eastern Orthodox Christians believe that all spend eternity with God, but it is suffering for those who hate God. That is an interesting spin on straight-up universal salvation. Sin and evil have consequences, and God will judge those committed to evil, but the details about the fate of those opposed to God are harder to pin down than many think. My kids are surrounded by people who mix their faith and politics with the assumption that no right-minded Christian could vote for a Democrat. I have been teaching them that Christians should never mix their allegiance with any political party. Perhaps the most faithful expression of Christians exerting the values of our faith in America was the Civil Rights movement, which was deeply rooted in Christian practice and prophetic witness. Jesus was certainly apolitical in many ways at a time when entering into politics required believing that Caesar was a god. Political dissent would get you nailed to a cross—in fact, even being accused of political dissent could get you nailed to a cross. We don’t have easily applied guidance to politics today because the government at the time of Jesus was more of a military occupation by a tyrant than a representative democracy. Christian PracticesLet’s get right down to this: kids are probably going to think that going to church sucks and is boring. Here is how I try to address that: · I explain why we do certain things, such as why we stand or kneel to pray or why we receive communion. We are showing reverence to God, joining ourselves together as the body of Christ, and trusting Jesus to empower us to live with his power at work in our lives. · I look for ways to make church less painful for them. If bringing a book or a drawing pad will help them make it through a service, I’d rather they come with a book than not come at all. It’s interesting that the longer they come to church, the more likely my kids are to participate of their own free will. Getting them in the door with minimal misery has been working out so far. · I gave up on convincing them to enjoy the things I know they will hate—and they’re often things I don’t love either. If a kid doesn’t want to sing a hymn from the 1700’s that uses King James style language, I’m not picking that battle. Music in church feels lose/lose right now because we either have highly self-centered worship songs about the way God makes me feel or completely unrelatable hymns from people who had more in common with George Washington than us. · I look for any way that my kids can be involved and contribute in a manner that feels meaningful to them. One of my kids is an acolyte, while another likes to help set up the food for coffee hour. · Create opportunities for connection on their level. I am very committed to helping my kids have group meetings on their own level like a Godly Play class or a Rite 13 group. There are some really helpful age-appropriate materials and programs out there if you know where to look. Here are a few thoughts on Christian practices beyond what we do in church: Give kids religious practices that they can handle on their own. I taught my kids some basic practices for silent prayer while in elementary school, and they readily embraced it. Silent prayer for one minute is surprisingly achievable for kids who are already used to playing games like Quiet Mouse. As they get older, some kids even crave silence and quiet, so prayer in silence can be a welcome practice in those cases. The Our Father is a great prayer to teach kids. I told my kids that Jesus shared that prayer with his disciples when they wanted to learn how to pray. So we have discussed the different parts of the prayer together, but also begin prayer every evening with the Our Father. Don’t underestimate the value of teaching kids stories from the Bible when they are still young. There are comic book versions of the Bible, like The Action Bible, that help them learn some of the stories in scripture and begin to think about how people interact with God. They are already immersed in stories with supernatural or superhero elements, and so they are more than ready to consider God’s miraculous intervention in our world. Create milestones with religious significance. I gave my oldest a New Living Translation Life Application Study Bible when he turned 12 and plan to do the same with my other kids. I encouraged him to spend 10 extra minutes reading it each night, which meant he could stay up later. I suggested starting with Matthew’s Gospel and skipping the books of Romans and Revelation. Skipping Revelation is probably not a shocker, but I’m sure excluding Romans will alarm some. I reasoned that we hadn’t spent a lot of time talking about the Jewish background of the New Testament yet, and there were a lot of details in Romans that we needed time to sort out. I look for simple ways to involve the kids in serving others, whether that means serving at church or stocking the community blessing box. The nice part is that they are making relationships with others at church as they get involved in different ministries. Most importantly, I am mindful to model the kind of Progressive Christian faith that I hope to pass along to my kids. That means I pray and serve in ways that I hope to see them adopt one day as well. I try to involve them in religious practices without making them too great a burden. It’s a fine line for me where I try to make it clear that my kids are expected to come to church, even if it feels like a huge, boring drag at times for them. The snacks and desserts at coffee hour are always a highlight for them. Seeing their friends at church can help even more, but I still think most kids would choose reading at home or playing a game on the computer over church any day. I do let them know that I recognize that and even felt as they did when I was their age. Attending church has been a meaningful reset for me at the start of my week, a moment to reflect on the past week, make confessions when appropriate, and ask God’s help in the week to come. I’m doing my best to make church and Christian practices regular, automatic activities each week. I see gathering with our church community as a spiritual reset that helps me resolve the previous week and prepare for the week ahead. They don’t have to see it that way, but I’m trying to at least make that a possibility for them. The Two Extremes I’m Trying to AvoidI’m mindful of two extremes that are possible as a Christian parent: There’s the light touch that doesn’t impart much to my kids about what I believe, why certain practices are important, or how they can grow in a relationship with God. This lighter touch can also act as a kind of inoculation, where they think they “tried” Christianity out, and it didn’t do anything for them. The real problem is that they didn’t try much of anything out. I want to give them an opportunity to pray, to read the stories of Jesus, to be part of a church community, and to choose whether or not they want to follow Jesus based on a good, first-hand experience. The other extreme is the heavy hand that forces them to accept exactly what I do and believe as their own. If they don’t accept my version of Christianity, they are considered bad people or failures. I’m far less worried about that extreme. I’m surrounded by people who were manipulated like that by their evangelical families, and I’ve seen how damaging that heavy hand can be when it’s applied to a young person’s relationship with Jesus. I doubt that most conservative Christians have fully reckoned with the damage they have done with this heavy-handed approach that is presented as love to their children—who eventually grow up and learn what gaslighting is. I’m still trying to figure out how to parent my kids as a loving, compassionate Christian parent. I doubt that I’ve exhaustively covered every issue or challenge that may arise—and I doubt that I could even if I tried. We all have our own backgrounds that we bring to this, and I suspect there’s always a risk to overcorrect off course based on what went wrong in our past. Each child has a unique perspective and approach that will certainly change how to parent and pass along the Christian faith. At a time when our country is mired in misinformation, corruption, toxic masculinity, politically compromised pastors, and millions upon millions of evangelical Christians just tootling along like everything is dandy, I want folks to know that some of us are trying to raise living, compassionate children who love others like Jesus. All isn’t lost, but I doubt things will get better unless we offer a viable alternative that faithfully introduces our children to a Jesus who brought God’s love to us while insisting that his Kingdom was not of our world. Thanks for reading my notes on Progressive Christian Parenting. I have a few books that may be helpful as you consider what a progressive Christian faith could look like, especially if you came out of the American evangelical Christian wreckage. I wrote these books while more or less on the edge of evangelicalism, even calling myself a progressive evangelical or “Red Letter Christian.” They may not be perfect books for progressive Christians today, but I still stand by the main ideas in each one: Flee, Be Silent, Pray: Ancient Prayers for Anxious Christians Reconnect: Spiritual Restoration from Digital Distraction Unfollowers: Unlikely Lessons on Faith From Those Who Doubted Jesus You're currently a free subscriber to Ed Cyzewski :: Author // Contemplative // Maker. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for Everyone
Are they mad at me? Do they like me? Am I in trouble? (Make it stop!) ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ...
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