When a Friend Makes Your Hardest Season About HerselfAnd yet: The case for confronting a friend when everything in you wants to fade
This month's anonymous letter is from someone in the thick of an extremely demanding season of parenting who received an accusatory text from a close friend of over 20 years. A year later, she’s still isn't sure whether to let the friendship finally fade or have the real, hard conversation that might lead to repair. * Have a friendship dilemma? You can tell me about it, anonymously. * See more anonymous letters here. Catch up on the podcast here! Dear Nina,Since discovering your podcast, I have binged every episode. My favorite was the quiet quitting episode, which I have listened to several times to help me with a college friend of over 20 years. The last few years we have not seen each other or connected a ton in person, largely due to me changing careers (we used to work for the same company), and because my children are in busy places in life. My older child is a happy, social butterfly middle schooler. However, my elementary-aged son is neurodiverse, which we’ve known since around two-years-old. It’s been difficult to get an accurate diagnosis and an appropriate and supportive treatment plan. We’ve also had to switch daycares or schools for him every year for the last four years because of the behavior issues, numerous medication changes, and so on. I have been open with my friend about these struggles since the beginning. About a year ago she offered to help with childcare for him, which I declined because it was too messy having him come off and on medications so frequently. That’s a boundary I put in place to protect my son, my peace, and my energy. A couple weeks after I declined her assistance, I received a lengthy text accusing me of turning our friendship into a transactional one, systematically removing her from my life, and withholding my children from her. I gave it 48 hours before I responded by apologizing that my boundary and perceived distance made her feel that way and asked for examples, which she provided. In each of the examples (mostly seasonal gatherings), I knew exactly why I couldn’t accommodate attending gatherings over the prior year, and it was due to my children’s needs and activities. I should point out that we are the same age (early 40s), but her child has graduated high school and has been out of her house for 2 years. We had a conversation after the text exchange, and she apologized for her anxious attachment style getting in the way. A year has come and gone, and since then it’s been little text exchanges back and forth, but nothing meaningful. Even with the distance of a year, I am having a hard time moving forward. Over the last year I have focused on being a good friend to myself and picked up a number of healthy habits, which benefit not only me but my family. I am worried about inviting her back into my life especially after all the investments I’ve done for myself. I know in the ghosting episode it was discussed that sometimes it’s OK for things to fade out, that maybe it’s a seasonal friendship, and by confronting a friend that may close the door to reconnecting in the future when our places in life have more alignment. Does that apply here? What would you recommend I do? Thanks, Fade or Confront? Dear Fade or Confront,...Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app
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Wednesday, 18 February 2026
When a Friend Makes Your Hardest Season About Herself
Wednesday, 11 February 2026
Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for Everyone
Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for EveryoneAre they mad at me? Do they like me? Am I in trouble? (Make it stop!)
Your friend doesn’t text back right away. A tone feels slightly different. Plans change. Availability shifts. And suddenly the spiral starts: Are they mad at me? Should I check in? Did I offend someone? Did I do something wrong? This week on Dear Nina, I spoke with licensed psychotherapist Meg Josephson, author of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You, about this exact pattern—especially how it shows up in friendships. I’ve been singing the praises of Meg’s book for the past five months, so it was a thrill to interview her for the show! What I appreciated immediately about Are You Mad at Me is that Meg doesn’t frame people pleasing and the constant need for validation as a flaw or a bad habit we just need to break. She explains that people pleasing and validation seeking is a survival response, known as fawning. Many people learned it early as a way to stay safe, liked, and connected. It worked then. The problem is how easily that same instinct can ruin adult relationships. The problem of “fawning” in friendshipsAlways rushing to make sure you did nothing wrong and that you’re not “in trouble” with your friend is exhausting for both sides of that friendship. The constant monitoring will make you feel like you’re never a good enough friend. And having a friend who never feels secure in the friendship can get tiresome quickly. Instead of assuming neutrality or goodwill, the fawner assumes fault. Instead of tolerating discomfort, the fawner rushes to fix it. Instead of letting relationships breathe, the fawner monitors them constantly. I say this with zero judgement. As you will hear in the episode, I needed this episode FOR ME. Meg and I talked about how fawning shows up as overthinking, over-apologizing, and a constant focus on how we’re being perceived—especially by the people we care about most. One of the most important distinctions we get into is the difference between reassurance-seeking and real emotional connection. Asking “Are you mad at me?” over and over may feel like vulnerability, but it often keeps us stuck in the same loop. The relief is temporary. The anxiety always comes back. What actually helps instead of seeking your friend’s reassurance is learning how to slow down and tolerate discomfort. As Meg points out, healing a fawn response isn’t about convincing yourself that no one is ever mad at you or just doesn’t like you. It’s about learning how to be honest with yourself. Sometimes a situation calls for reflection, accountability, and repair. Sometimes we don’t click with someone or they don’t click with us. And sometimes there’s nothing to be done except letting the discomfort exist without contorting yourself to manage someone else’s perception of you. That’s often the hardest part. (And it’s exactly what Meg is discussing in the short clip below.)  Many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being liked meant staying safe. So when we sense even the slightest possibility of disapproval, we rush to smooth things over. We explain. We apologize. We make ourselves smaller or more agreeable. Not because we’re manipulative, but because we’re uncomfortable sitting with the idea that someone might not feel great about us. But not everyone has to like you. Hear me again: being disliked isn’t a crisis. A friend being disappointed isn’t a crisis. Learning to tell the difference between when we need to repair a slight rift and when we’re fawning is a practice. (Meg discusses her specific advice for that practice in her book and on my episode.) Doing this work is how friendships stop feeling fragile and start feeling steadier and more real. Listen to episode #183 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
CELEBRATE YOUR FRIENDS ON DEAR NINA!New for 2026! You can dedicate a week of the show to a friend.
You can record the shoutout yourself so that its heard in your voice. OR, I will record it and the dedication will be heard in my voice. More details are here.
Books, Shows, & Recipes I’m Into These Days
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. What do you get if you’re a paying subscriber!** Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time. **Yearly subscribers can email me one detailed friendship issue and I will email you back personally.
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When a Friend Makes Your Hardest Season About Herself
And yet: The case for confronting a friend when everything in you wants to fade ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ...
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