Is It the College, or Is Making Friends the Problem?When your college student still hasn't found their people
In this month’s anonymous letter, a mom worries about her daughter, who is in her second year at a large university and still hasn’t found close friends. Is it the wrong school, or is something else making friendships difficult? I share what I’d consider before deciding on the next steps, including when it might be time to look beyond the usual advice to join clubs and put yourself out there. See the entire Dear Nina Friendship Dilemma Library.
Dear Nina,My daughter is a sophomore and an out-of-state student at a big state university, and she still hasn’t found “her people.” In hindsight, maybe she should have transferred last year to a smaller school or one closer to home. I know college isn’t everyone’s “best four years,” but I feel like it’s extra hard for her. She has loosely connected with some casual friends, and that works for occasional nights out or meeting up to work out. But they’re definitely not good friends. I know not everyone has or needs a friend group, but without at least a few people who have your back for things like housing for the next year or some other things on campus, it’s lonely navigating it out there on your own. I’d hoped she’d at least have some of the girls she knew from high school or camp to rely on (she knew 5-6 girls from various parts of life). Those girls have found their way—not all together or anything, but they seem successfully “launched.” And it really feels like everyone else on this campus knew kids from home and that helped them get started. I just wanted that for my daughter too. It’s the beginning of sophomore year now and here we are again with everyone already signing leases for junior year. She also had this issue last year as a freshman when it was time to pick sophomore housing so early in the school year. I’d really hoped we wouldn’t have the same exact panic a year later. My daughter didn’t connect with the people in her dorm or in her classes last year. She tried rushing a sorority, but it wasn’t for her, so she dropped out after the second round. She says she doesn’t like the people who go to the religious groups even though she has a similar background. I’m at a loss. I know this is her issue to face, but I want to help if I can. Thanks, “Worried Mom”
Dear Worried Mom,I feel your worry in every sentence of this letter! I completely understand it, too. It’s a terrible feeling when our kids are suffering or when things don’t come as easily to them as they seem to for others. I promise that college is hard for a lot of people, but it makes sense that you’re hearing about success stories and comparing those to what you’re hearing from your daughter. The advice I’m going to give you in a moment is mom to mom. (I have two kids in college and two in high school.) First, on the housing issue specifically, I'd encourage her to look into the university's roommate-matching resources. She doesn't need to find close friends in order to find people to live with, even for junior and senior year. Now, with my friendship podcaster and writer hat on, I want to tell you she should focus on her interests or things she’d like to explore and not just who lives nearby, sits in the same classroom, or shares her background. And I stand by that! But there’s important work to do first if that tactic has any chance of succeeding. This is what I’d do if she were my daughter. Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app
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