Specific Friendship Plans and the Fear of Leaving People OutWhy smaller gatherings can feel meaningful but complicated
One thing I loved about my conversation this week (episode #194) with Ashlee Gadd and Katie Blackburn of Coffee + Crumbs is that they came prepared with solid ideas for spending time with friends. Not vague “we should get together sometime” energy. Real plans. One idea was a “TJ’s & PJ’s” night that Ashlee heard about online. Everyone brings their favorite Trader Joe’s item. Katie shared her friends’ soup night competition with a golden ladle trophy. There was more. The common thread in all of these ideas was specificity. Specific plans create momentum and give people something to anticipate other than a dinner reservation at a loud restaurant where you can only hear the person near you. Here’s what’s tricky: specific plans also tend to create smaller groups. This is where a lot of adults get stuck. (It’s definitely an issue for me!) We want intimate, meaningful friendship time, but we also don’t want anyone to feel excluded. Sometimes the fear of hurting feelings stops people from making plans at all. We talked about this on the episode, and I’ve discussed it in several other episodes, because I think (many) adults struggle with this tension between wanting closeness and wanting everyone to feel included. Here’s where I landed by the end of the conversation: Not every gathering needs to include everyone. That’s not realistic nor is it sustainable. Smaller groups create the ease, honesty, and vulnerability that larger gatherings simply can’t. But we can hold that truth while still being thoughtful and gracious about how we share our plans publicly. (In other words, be mindful when posting.) HOWEVER . . . All of that said, the message I say in most episodes holds here as well. We are responsible for our feelings and it’s our job to work on the confidence we bring to our relationships. Wishing that people would stop posting pictures or stop mentioning their plans is not a good strategy. Why? We cannot control other people. Assume you WILL find out about friends’ plans whether they post those plans or not. I’ve spent several episodes talking about handling the knowledge that you weren’t invited. (Respond to this email if you’d like a list of those episodes.) It never feels great, and it’s important for us to remind ourselves why this happens, why it’s a normal part of socializing, and decide on how you will face it. (It requires self-talk each time for many of us. And that’s OK! I’m right there with you at almost 50-years-old.) Small plans, big plans, everyone is included, intimate time—it’s a balance. And honestly, most of us are still figuring it out. Listen to episode #194 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts! Find Ashlee and Katie’s new book: new book, You’re In Good Company: The Gift of Friendship, Motherhood, and Showing Up
Links About Friendship I Liked RecentlyHallie Sawyer on the friendship advice she’d give her younger self (in honor of her 54th birthday). In honor of Mother’s Day, I’m directing you to episode 164 on making mom friends with guest Alex Reed. AND to episode 179, which was the most recent one I’ve recorded with my mom.
Tickets for “Dear Nina LIVE” July 29th!
Books, Shows, Finds, and Recipes
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed (May is coming soon!)
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