Whether your audience wants to learn how to run a business or simply advance in their career, they will always turn to specialized business blogs for advice.
This month’s anonymous letter: a reader wonders whether she’s obligated to maintain a friendship with the woman who welcomed her into a new school community years ago even though the relationship now leaves her feeling drained, criticized, and emotionally exhausted. This one is about friendship “debt,” staying too long in an unhealthy dynamic, and the difference between a direct friendship-ending conversation and simply letting a friendship fade.
Dear Nina
I’ve known “L” for 10 years. We met when our daughters were in 2nd grade and our family was the new family at school. Our girls are still good friends today and are close to graduating from high school.
“L” was welcoming when we were new at that school and I’ve always appreciated that. But over the years, I’ve noticed L has had difficulty with friends. And I think I know why. When she’s with me—and I have to assume it’s similar with others—L has a habit of putting me down or one-upping me no matter the topic: whose kid’s summer day camp was better, whose college advisor was better, whose vacation was more original or sensible or whatever way she’s defining “better” that day. She is always making little remarks about the other moms we both know. Someone has always recently “wronged her” and she still talks about “wrongs” from many years ago. I leave our time together totally depleted.
I don’t think we’re close enough for me to address these personality quirks directly, and I’m not sure I’d want to anyway. I’m not going to change her. I think I just want to stop reaching out, which I didn’t do often, but we probably have seen each other every six weeks or so after running into each other at something school or team related and then making a plan from there.
But what do I do when she contacts me or asks about getting together when I run into her? Am I forever indebted to L for being kind to me a decade ago?
Thanks for any help, “Q”
Hi, I’m Nina and I foster the conversations about FRIENDSHIP that many of us are thinking about, but are too afraid to say out loud. The most vulnerable conversations are the monthly ones behind the paywall, which I protect to keep things kind. Join us there!
Are you taking the way friends spend money (or don’t spend money) too personally? It’s natural to assign meaning behind friends’ decisions around finances, but we have to fight the urge. Their choices likely have nothing to do with us.
“Why did she choose that inexpensive restaurant for my birthday even though we went somewhere nicer for hers?”
“They get their kids Starbucks every morning, but won’t be part of the group gift for [so and so.”]
“She can obviously afford the girls’ trip. She just doesn’t want to come.”
“She’s suddenly free for weekday lunches now that she sold her business. I can’t keep up with that lifestyle.”
“They renovated their house but won’t donate to the fundraiser I organized.”
To quote this week’s guest on episode #195 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, Heather Joelle Boneparth of Bona Fide Wealth, co-author of Money Together, and co-writer of The Joint Account, “You really don’t know the financial situation of anybody else. You might think you know, but you have no idea.”
In Heather’s work and in the research for her book, she’s seen how complicated people’s relationship can be with money and how many factors shape choices around spending and saving. When we make financial decisions, how those choices might affect our friends’ feelings is usually just one small factor on a long list—if it’s a factor at all. There’s how we were raised to think about money, what we’re saving for, what stresses us out in the present and for the future, what makes us feel secure, and countless other influences most people around us never fully see or discuss.
Hi, I’m Nina. I foster the conversations about friendship that many of us want to discuss but are afraid to say out loud.
Let me say this directly: how our friends spend money is none of our business. And how they spend is so intricately connected to how they want to (and how they can) spend their time. Who can really be the judge of those decisions for anyone else?
That said, we can’t deny that differences over financial decisions can get in the way of friendships.
Live event this summer! July 29th. Tickets are on sale here.
Books, Shows, Finds, and Recipes
LISTENING: I’m in the middle of Lake Effect by Cynthia D’Aprix Sweeney. I’m reluctant to say what I’m reading or listening to sometimes because the last two novels I finished had endings that absolutely ruined the books for me and I feel I essentially promoted the books by saying, for weeks, that I was reading and enjoying them. But I like to say what I’m reading, so . . . it is what it is.
TV: I think The Testaments is the best show around right now. Still liking Margo’s Got Money Troubles. Nothing else I’m watching is that good or notable.
RECIPE: I’ve shared this Coconut Yogurt Chia Pudding before from Real Food. Every Day. by Emily Maxson, but I eat it three times a week so wanted to share it again. (I only make it once a week. It lasts!) Here’s the online version.
SHOPPING: I’m ordering this linen shirt from Aritzia to try because I can’t deal with their lack of mirrors in the dressing rooms. Oh! And people ask me about my mahj mat that appears in the background of photos. It’s this one from Fox & Willow, my favorite store in Wayzata, Minnesota.
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed (The May letter is coming next week!)
Note: book and product links could be affiliate links, which might pay me .05 cents if you use it. Maybe even a whole dollar. Thank you!
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
