This week on episode 192 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I dug into two frustrating dynamics when it comes to making plans. #1. One person likes to plan ahead and the other prefers to keep things spontaneous. The result is that you rarely see each other. #2. Both people like to have a plan on the calendar, but only one person does the actual work of sending dates. The result is you see each other, but resentment builds up. Am I implying that it’s important to see your friends and not just text “I miss you” or send memes back and forth? Yes. I’m saying exactly that. And I’m talking about local friends here! I realize it’s more complicated with long distance friends. I’ve had episodes about that, too. Listen, I LOVE when spontaneous walks and dinners happen with friends, but that’s not something most of us can manage on a regular basis outside of neighbors. More often than not, you have to put a date on the calendar if you want to spend time with your friends. Good intentions won’t sustain a friendship. If you have a friend who simply will not commit to a date, or if YOU are the person who cannot stand being pinned down, there’s still hope for your friendship. But two friends with different planning styles need to communicate about the mismatch. This isn’t about forcing your way of seeing friends onto someone else. It’s about acknowledging the issue and talking about it because the “problem” here is a good one: you and your friend theoretically want to spend time together. And if that’s the case, there’s always a way to figure it out. Now this part is for two planner friends: if you are never the one to suggest dates when you reach out to a friend, you should start! (Unless your friend truly likes to be the only one suggesting dates . . . then fine, leave it.) As I wrote in a popular Substack post titled “This is How to Make Plans With Friends” from December 2024: Let’s please acknowledge that it’s extra labor to always be the one poking around your calendar to suggest dates. There are no actual rules to all of this, but I think if you suggest the plans, you should also suggest dates. If you cancel the plans, you should suggest new dates. And if you’re the invitee who cannot hangout on any of the dates your friend suggested, then it’s your turn to scour the calendar and offer alternatives, assuming you’re interested, which perhaps you’re not. (“I’m Just Not Into This Friendship” is a different problem, which I covered in episode #73 with Ruchi Koval.) You might be thinking, But Nina, nobody is even asking me for plans. If you have ever listened to my podcast, you know I will say that most people are terrible at #1. reaching out and #2. making plans. You should absolutely not wait for other people to make plans. If you want plans, make the plans. And if you want those plans to happen at a certain time and place, then you suggest the dates, times, and locations. Like I said, there are no rules here, but one thing is certain: if you are always waiting for other people to reach out, then you will not have as many things to do with friends. Note: I have many episodes and Substack posts about starting over from scratch socially and/or making new friends. Listen to episode #192 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts! Articles and Other Finds About FriendshipI see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
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