Give People a Chance to Surprise YouThe stories we tell ourselves before friendships begin and after they end
I have a lot of new readers, so first let me say HELLO! All new readers get a “welcome email,” but does anyone read those? I know I don’t. If you’re new here, I suspect you came from this Instagram post, which leads to the latest installment in The Dear Nina Friendship Dilemma Library, titled, “It’s time to stop trying so hard in this friendship.” Or perhaps you came from my guest spot on episode 12 of the Adulting 101 Masterclass podcast, hosted by Heather Redisch. Heather is the queen of “adulting!” You can learn more about her adulting bootcamps and coaching sessions here. And the tips we discussed on what it really takes to make new friends are great for ALL ages, but geared especially to the 20s crowd. Here it is on Apple, Spotify, and YouTube. The stories we tell ourselves before friendships begin and after they endOne of my favorite parts of writing this newsletter is finding connections between podcast episodes that might not seem related at first. They’re ALL connected by the theme of friendship, of course. But friendship is a layered and varied topic once you get into the weeds. I’ve been in those weeds for many, many, many years, and the more people write to me, the deeper I go. Two weeks ago I released episode 218 with Nicholas Epley—psychologist, behavioral scientist, and professor at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business. His new book, A Little More Social: How Small Choices Create Unexpected Happiness, Health, and Connection, explores why reaching out to others often makes us happier than we expect. Nick and I discussed the research behind our surprisingly inaccurate predictions about social interactions and how those predictions keep us from experiences we might otherwise enjoy.
Nick said, “In general, we find that people are overly pessimistic about how positively others will respond to them when you reach out to connect with them." In the episode he explained a few social experiments to back that up, and in the book he reports on even more. I’m not writing them all out here! Nick explained that our hesitation isn’t always about outright rejection. Sometimes we’re afraid of annoying someone, interrupting their day, or coming across as pushy. Bottom line: Nick's research suggests that these fears are often exaggerated. You might be surprised by how delighted someone is that you thought of them, that you took the time to call, that you suggested they join you to hear that author who’s coming to town. Not everyone, I know that. But you won’t know unless you try! In episode 219, I did a 15-minute solo one about something that’s been bothering me lately in the friendship advice I see people give each other on social media. They’ll say, “You were never really friends.” That’s often far from the truth. In fact, the reason the rift or disappointment hurts so much is precisely because you were friends! And I love doing a solo episode once in a while. It feels like I’m going on a walk or having coffee directly with you. So what do these two episodes have in common?I think we’re often too quick to assume we know what other people are thinking or feeling. Before we reach out to someone, we might assume they’re too busy or won’t be interested. And when a friendship ends badly, we might assume the other person never cared about us in the first place. Of course, there are times our assumptions are correct. But we can get so convinced we know how someone feels that we don’t leave room for another possibility. What if we gave people more chances to surprise us? Listen to 218 “Why You Should Be a Little More Social (Even When You Don’t Feel Like it) on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Listen to 219 “‘She Was Never Your Friend’ is Not Good Advice” on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Books, Shows, and Other Finds
From the DEAR NINA FRIENDSHIP DILEMMA LIBRARY
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You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Curious about those once-a-month emails behind the paywall? The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
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