“I’m Overwhelmed” Can Be True and Still Hurt a FriendshipWhen your reasons are valid, but your friend still feels the distance
I featured a story this week on the podcast that was refreshingly honest for several reasons. #1. Laura Tremaine was admirably self-reflective about the gap between having good intentions and actually paying attention to your friends. (Laura is the author of two nonfiction books, The Life Council: 10 Friends Every Woman Needs and Share Your Stuff: I’ll Go First) She spoke candidly about a period in her life when being busy, overwhelmed, and anxious about communication were reasons she was dropping the ball with friends. And Laura eventually had to admit that those valid reasons were also affecting people she cared about. #2. Three friends were honest with Laura about how her lack of communication was making them feel. These women didn’t even know each other! Laura points out there were likely friendships that faded away because those friends never said anything at all. That’s probably what many of us would do with a friend who rarely responds. #3. Laura was honest that even though her reasons for disappearing were legitimate, she still had to figure out how to tend to her friendships if she wanted those women in her life. That was the main point of the episode and the part I keep thinking about. Sometimes we get so focused on the validity of our reasons for going quiet—I’m overwhelmed, I’m anxious, I’m in a hard season of life, I’m not on my phone that much, they know I love them, I’m bad at making plans, I hate texting, and so on—that we don’t consider how our reasons are creating distance in the relationship. Laura described this as a disconnect between what was in her heart and what her actions were communicating. She loved her friends, but as time went on, it was becoming difficult for them to feel that love. I’m not advocating that any friend needs to be constantly reachable or immediately responsive. We all go through periods when we’re not as available for genuine reasons. But when a pattern of taking friends for granted becomes noticeable, you’re extremely lucky if your friends speak up about it. The average person will disappear in response to you disappearing. Yes, a good friend will give you Grace. But it’s also true that in many cases, the Grace eventually runs out. You might get a few “I miss you” texts, but most people are conflict avoidant and/or will give up. Laura gave concrete ideas for managing her friendships during some of her busiest, most overwhelming and most anxious times. I hope you’ll listen! FIND EPISODE #212 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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