This month's anonymous letter is from someone in the thick of an extremely demanding season of parenting who received an accusatory text from a close friend of over 20 years. A year later, she’s still isn't sure whether to let the friendship finally fade or have the real, hard conversation that might lead to repair.
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Since discovering your podcast, I have binged every episode. My favorite was the quiet quitting episode, which I have listened to several times to help me with a college friend of over 20 years. The last few years we have not seen each other or connected a ton in person, largely due to me changing careers (we used to work for the same company), and because my children are in busy places in life.
My older child is a happy, social butterfly middle schooler. However, my elementary-aged son is neurodiverse, which we’ve known since around two-years-old. It’s been difficult to get an accurate diagnosis and an appropriate and supportive treatment plan. We’ve also had to switch daycares or schools for him every year for the last four years because of the behavior issues, numerous medication changes, and so on.
I have been open with my friend about these struggles since the beginning. About a year ago she offered to help with childcare for him, which I declined because it was too messy having him come off and on medications so frequently. That’s a boundary I put in place to protect my son, my peace, and my energy.
A couple weeks after I declined her assistance, I received a lengthy text accusing me of turning our friendship into a transactional one, systematically removing her from my life, and withholding my children from her. I gave it 48 hours before I responded by apologizing that my boundary and perceived distance made her feel that way and asked for examples, which she provided.
In each of the examples (mostly seasonal gatherings), I knew exactly why I couldn’t accommodate attending gatherings over the prior year, and it was due to my children’s needs and activities. I should point out that we are the same age (early 40s), but her child has graduated high school and has been out of her house for 2 years. We had a conversation after the text exchange, and she apologized for her anxious attachment style getting in the way.
A year has come and gone, and since then it’s been little text exchanges back and forth, but nothing meaningful. Even with the distance of a year, I am having a hard time moving forward. Over the last year I have focused on being a good friend to myself and picked up a number of healthy habits, which benefit not only me but my family. I am worried about inviting her back into my life especially after all the investments I’ve done for myself.
I know in the ghosting episode it was discussed that sometimes it’s OK for things to fade out, that maybe it’s a seasonal friendship, and by confronting a friend that may close the door to reconnecting in the future when our places in life have more alignment. Does that apply here? What would you recommend I do?
Thanks, Fade or Confront?
