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Socialized for Virtual Life Only?

“Fragile Neighborhoods”

Mar 28

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While reading FRAGILE NEIGHBORHOODS: Repairing American Society One Zip Code at a Time, by this week’s Dear Nina guest, Seth D. Kaplan, I underlined many lines, but the quote below hit me deeply.

“If young people are spending more time scrolling through their smartphones than connecting with friends in the real world or participating in in-person activities in their neighborhood, it’s not because they are naturally lazy or inert. On the contrary, it is because they have been increasingly socialized to act this way. Having had little opportunity to experience the benefits that ‘real-life’ interactions can bring, they’ve accepted the rewards of placeless, virtual life as their horizon of happiness.” (page 49)

I continued reading Seth’s book and invited him on the show because most of his book is more hopeful than those lines. He offers a historical context and some solutions, but still, those lines feel very true, don’t though? It sends a chill down my spine the way everything becoming so AI oriented does too.

I recently saw, on Substack Notes, a “big Substacker” admit (boast?) that she uses an AI tool for her Notes, and she’s selling that tool to others. Now we can’t write two lines of a Note without an AI tool?! This seems dismal for our future.

I don’t want to lose our humanity. It’s one of many reasons I have been dedicated to the topic of friendship for over a decade.

But as Seth points out in episode #138 of Dear Nina, we can’t just blame the phones. The problem of a lack of community and neighborhood cohesion long precedes the smartphone. We talked about television, for example, and how most people having entertainment so readily available in their homes many decades ago was a game changer. There’s a lot more to cover historically, and I recommend Seth’s book for the full picture.

POLL

Do you like and trust your neighbors?

Yes

I don't even know them!

More about episode #138: “The Neighborhood Village”

“The Neighborhood Village and How Community is Different From Friendship”

Seth and I discussed why your neighborhood community might be the most overlooked place for social connection. However, it’s essential to understand the difference between community relationships and friendships. They are not the same!

We discussed the decline of neighborhood schools, and policies that impact community disconnection and inequality, the decay of “middle-ring relationships,” and the role of participation (showing up!) in fostering a supportive environment.

I spent time dwelling on my favorite concept in the religious Jewish community—the gemach—a communal lending system that exemplifies the spirit of cooperation and support.

FIND EPISODE #138 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!

KEEP UP WITH THE 2025 FRIENDSHIP CHALLENGE

You can start the 2025 challenge any time. Each month is meant to stand alone and you don’t need an entire month to accomplish any of them. Find the challenges for January, February, and March at this link.

STAY IN TOUCH AND LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES by commenting on each month’s post or in the Dear Nina Facebook group.

Articles and Other Finds About Friendship

I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!

Today’s finds are all related to what’s turned into the topic of the month—local friendship!

Previous Dear Nina guest, Kat Vellos, has done tons of work on the how and why of local friendships and community. You can find more in her book, We Should Get Together and check out Platonic Action Lab, her signature program focused on cultivating hyperlocal and/or hyperspecific connection. She recently wrote, “How to get to know your neighbors.” And note that when Kat was on Dear Nina we spoke about the problems and possibilities of group chats, which now feels newsy!
A recent episode of Off the Grid, a podcast I really like, featured Elise Granata who writes the Substack, GROUP HUG. The episode, and Elise’s publication, are all about how to create real non-Instagram-flashy-only community. In other words, less “aesthetic” and more real-life nurturing.
“Everyone wants a village, but nobody wants to be a villager.” EXCELLENT TikTok discussion from Rachel Lovely. (See the video embedded below.
@rachellovely5 “Everyone wants to have a village but no one wants to be a villager” 🤍 #advice
Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days

Reading: I’m still listening to Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara. I’m almost done. I found it slow at first, but once it grew on me, I was hooked. I’m reading Show Don’t Tell by Curtis Sittenfeld, which I like, but not as much as her first short story collection. Prep is still my favorite of her novels. My 2025 reading list can be found here. I update it throughout the year. Past years are here.
TV: I’m keeping up with White Lotus. I’ll have an episode about the friend trio after the season finale.
Cooking: We are guests this week at my in-laws’ for Shabbat. Yay! But during the week I made a Korean beef recipe my kids really like, so I made it twice.
Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed.
(The APRIL question is coming soon!)
My Friend's Self-Help Journey Has Made Her Extremely Condescending
Mar 2
Read full story
My Friend Stopped Contacting Me Immediately After Our Families Vacationed Together
Nina Badzin
·
March 10, 2023
Read full story
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!
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