A Friend Group is Not the GoalThe value of a few close friends in a world obsessed with friend groups
A few years ago, I interviewed the renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, who specializes in teens. She assured listeners that children and teenagers (and I’d add adults) do not need a large friend group to be happy. We defined any group of over four as large. In episode 91 of Dear Nina, Dr. Lisa said, “Reassure your kid that we have really good data showing that the least stressed kids have one or two good friends.” Let that in. One or two good friends instead of a group might mean less stress. O course, this does not make being dropped from an established friend group any less painful. It’s one thing to know intellectually that a few good friends are enough. It’s another to watch your kid lose the group they thought would be their answer to weekends, Halloween, homecoming, and more. But why do so many parents feel that kids need a group (or allow their kids to believe this)?I don’t know the answer other than we don’t hear often enough that a group is not the only option for a robust and successful social life in middle school and high school (or college and beyond). There’s nothing wrong with having a big friend group if it’s working for you. The point is that it’s not a requirement for a fulfilling social life. What do I mean by successful and fulfilling? I mean supported, seen, and valued as a person. As Dr. Lisa said in episode 91, having a good friend means you know who to call when you get good news. And you know who to turn to for support. You can get that from a few good friends. The idea that friend groups might create more stress than support will not surprise you if:
Andrea provides resources for parents who are guiding their kids through the fallout of being dropped from a friend group. She doesn’t use her face on her wildly popular Instagram account, nor does she use her last name in the public-facing parts of her work. Why? Because that’s how rough it is out there in the world of friend group issues! Andrea’s privacy and her kids’ privacy matter most. Having a Friend Group Isn't the Goal—Even When You've Lost OneAndrea sometimes finds herself explaining to parents who are trying to ease their kids’ heartbreak that the solution is not to get them back into the group. This means the solution is not to call the other parents and put it all back together. And the solution is also not necessarily helping your kid find another group. Andrea advises making sure you're not putting your adult need for your kid to have a group above what's best for them—which just might be having a few good friends. Why might parents have this need? One might be expectations shaped from their own childhoods. Another might be the parents’ desire to be part of a certain group of adults. Perhaps most common is how hard it is to see our kids in pain. If we feel a kid wants a group, we want that for them. But why do they want a group? What if your child has never encountered the idea that they don’t need one? This is not easy advice to give or take in a time when groups of friends (and not just girls, by the way) post stories and videos every time they’re hanging out. Social media has made friend groups more visible than ever, but the optics of friendship is not the same as a comfortable and confident level of closeness. A group doesn’t guarantee good or healthy friendships. And not having a group doesn’t mean you’re missing out. A few close friends really can be enough. Have you ever felt the pressure to be part of a friend group, even when you already had a few good friends? FIND EPISODE #215 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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