When Success — or Change — Strains Your FriendshipsFrom graduation to moving to a promotion: why feeling socially unsettled doesn’t always mean something is wrong
Through my work on friendship for well over a decade, I’ve learned the following is a common thought: I’m busy with friends, and I’m NOT isolated, so why do I still feel untethered, misunderstood, and disconnected? Two recent conversations on Dear Nina get at this exact issue. In episode #184 I spoke to Dr. Jeffrey Hall, the person I consider THE friendship academic superstar. He runs the Relationships and Technology Lab at the University of Kansas, and if you’ve ever heard me or other friendship-focused writers cite that it takes “200 hours to make a close friend,” that’s from Jeff’s research. Yes, we are on first name basis now. You’ll hear that in the episode. I fully gushed in a embarrassing way in the introduction. You can essentially hear me blushing through the microphone. Then in episode #185 I spoke with the wonderful Dr. Kimberly Horn, an internationally recognized research psychologist, professor, and public health scientist, and the author of Friends Matter for Life: Harnessing the Eight Tenets of Dynamic Friendship. Kimberly studies friendship through a public health lens. Both of my guests were studying different groups, but describing the same feeling. The Loneliness and Connection Paradox in Your 20s (and beyond)Dr. Hall’s most recent study is about the “loneliness and connection paradox.” The study focused on “emerging adulthood” moments such as graduating, moving to a new city, starting a job, and ending romantic relationships and friendships. But this also applies to later-in-life changes like rebuilding your life after divorce, launching a new business, or becoming an empty nester. You can be surrounded by people and still feel unsettled. You may actually be more socially active than usual. And yet something feels off. It’s not always isolation or deep loneliness. Sometimes it’s instability. Jeff uses the phrase ontological security — that calmness when your life has stopped churning and your relationships feel anchored. When you’re in motion, even good motion, that anchor loosens. The discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve chosen the wrong people. It can simply mean you’re in a season that hasn’t stabilized yet. Career Success and a Strain on FriendshipsThen I spoke with Dr. Kimberly Horn about high-achieving women and friendship, and the same pattern showed up. As women rise professionally, friendships often get quieter. You become competent in ways that serve your career but don’t always serve social intimacy. It’s easy to protect the meeting with a colleague or customer but cancel the walk with a friend. You might end up saying “I’m so busy” until people believe you and stop asking you to hang out. Dr. Horn makes an important distinction between “contacts” and “connection.” What I appreciated in both conversations is that neither framed this as a personal failure. Loneliness isn’t always proof that something is broken. It can be a signal that you want depth, steadiness, or reciprocity than your current “season” is naturally producing. And closeness is slower than we like to admit. Dr. Hall’s most famous research on the “200 hours” reminds us that real friendship takes time. If you’ve recently graduated, moved, just been promoted, or you’re in the middle of reinventing yourself through a career change, a divorce, becoming a parent, becoming an empty nester, mourning a major less, then it would almost be unusual to feel fully anchored. Success can shake things. So can reinvention. So can growth or loss. None of that automatically means you’re doing friendship wrong. It may just mean you’re in motion and making your way.
Listen to episode #184 with Dr. Jeffrey Hall on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Listen to episode #185 with Dr. Kimberly Horn on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Books, Shows, & Recipes I’m Into These Days
Articles and Other Friendship LinksI was quoted in two recent articles at SheKnows.com about teen friendships.
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. What do you get if you’re a paying subscriber!** Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time. **Yearly subscribers can email me one detailed friendship issue and I will email you back personally.
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Friday, 27 February 2026
When Success — or Change — Strains Your Friendships
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