When Being a Good Friend Feels Like a PerformanceOn over-functioning and knowing when to stop trying so hard
Sometimes the answer is to stop trying so hardOne of the listener questions my mom and I answered for her 6th appearance on Dear Nina has been sticking with me since I edited the episode. It came from someone who felt like she was constantly being evaluated as a friend—and falling short. She was second-guessing how she showed up, and the more she tried to “do friendship right” for this one person, the worse she felt. In this letter, the writer was put on the spot without warning at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner, when her friend said, “We should tell each other what we could each do better in the friendship.” WHAT!? Right there at someone else’s birthday event? That alone felt jarring. But what stayed with me was how quickly the letter writer internalized it. She didn’t push back on the timing. She didn’t question whether the request itself was a good idea. She tried to comply. I understood why she went along with it, both personally and from more than a decade of hearing from listeners. Many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being a good friend (and a good person) means being accommodating. That if someone is unhappy, the solution is to adjust ourselves until they’re satisfied again. The letter writer tried to heed her friend’s complaint that she didn’t reach out enough. She made a real effort to reach out more, but the friend was often busy or would cancel, which was why she’d stopped reaching out so much in the first place. When we talked about this, my mom said something simple: put the ball back in your friend’s court. Tell her you’ve tried, and she’s not available. The writer wanted to know how to fix this, or if she “just doesn’t know how to be a friend.” I wondered if maybe she doesn’t know how to be a friend to this one impossible person, and whether the answer is to stop trying so hard. One thing I say often, and keep relearning myself, is that not every friendship is meant to be intimate. Some people function better in a lighter, looser part of your life. When we try to force closeness that isn’t compatible, we end up performing instead of connecting. And performance is exhausting. Just because someone has demands doesn’t mean you’re required to meet them. Friendship should feel like participation, not approval-seeking. Presence, not performance. And if you’ve been scrambling lately, trying to get it right to no avail, consider that the expectations set for you might be unreasonable. Yes, sometimes you DO need to make more effort in your friendships. But sometimes the person asking is asking for too much. Other topics my mom and I tackled in episode 179 (all in 25 minutes!)
Listen to episode #179 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Books, Shows, & Recipes I’m Into These Days
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. What do you get if you’re a paying subscriber!** Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time. **Yearly subscribers can email me one detailed friendship issue and I will email you back personally.
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Monday, 5 January 2026
When Being a Good Friend Feels Like a Performance
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