“Forced Inclusion Creates Fragile Belonging”Many of us can remember a friend group we hoped would accept us at some point in our lives. It happens in elementary school, middle school, high school, college, or well into midlife and beyond. Some of us tried far longer than we should have. It usually made sense on paper. Same stage of life. Same neighborhood. Same religion, school, or place of work. At the time, it felt logical to keep trying. If we just showed up more or differently, reached out again, waited a little longer, maybe it would click. Sometimes it didn’t click because people were unkind. And sometimes it didn’t click because it just . . . wasn’t a fit. Both can be true, and telling the difference is harder than we like to admit, especially when it hurts either way. This has been on my mind even more this week after Ashley (Tisdale) French’s essay in The Cut about leaving a “toxic mom group” made the rounds online. The reaction to it has been intense and telling. People seem deeply divided over whether the behavior she described was relational aggression, a slow fade, or simply a group dynamic that no longer worked because of her behavior. The massive reaction highlights how many of us have lived some version of this story. It’s also true that many of us have been on both sides of this story. Someone is clearly trying to be your friend, but something feels off for reasons you can’t fully explain. Or you’ve been friends, but for any number of reasons the friendship has run its course. Does that make you a “mean girl” for not opening yourself up to everyone who shows interest in starting a friendship? Are you a mean girl for not staying friends with every person who has crossed your path no matter how each of you has changed? In this week’s episode of Dear Nina, I was joined by clinical psychologist Dr. Noelle Santorelli, who is an adjust faculty member at Emory Medical School. (And we recorded this a month before Ashley’s essay in The Cut broke the internet.) Dr. Noelle and I talked through the nuances on both sides of this. Her work focuses on relational aggression and covert bullying—and also on the uncomfortable reality that not every friendship is meant to work. One thing that stood out to me is how differently we talk to kids about dating versus friendship. We tell them to take dating slow, trust their gut, and walk away when something doesn’t feel right. But when it comes to friendship, we’re quick to label disinterest as cruelty. When Dr. Noelle said, “Forced inclusion creates fragile belonging,” I made her repeat it. Because that sentence explains so much of what we get wrong. I keep thinking about how much energy we spend trying to be included instead of asking a quieter question: Do I actually feel like myself here? We should not just be wondering, “Am I wanted?” But rather, “Do I want to be here?” Inclusion can be forced. Belonging can’t. For a much more nuanced conversation about all of the above, listen to episode #180 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! If you’re up for it, I’d love to hear from you—not to name names, but to reflect.Was there a group you tried to get into? Books, Shows, Recipes, and Items I’m Into These Days
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Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. What do you get if you’re a paying subscriber!** Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time. **Yearly subscribers can email me one detailed friendship issue and I will email you back personally.
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Monday, 12 January 2026
That Friend Group You Tried to Get Into
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