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I Keep Showing Up, but I'm Not Making New Friends

Why some friend-making activities are better than others

Dec 17

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This month’s anonymous letter asks an excellent (and common) question about making new friends as an adult. (In this case, age 60-ish). In my answer I reject the concept that merely showing up at the same place each week will do the trick.

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Dear Nina,

I keep hearing that to make new friends I have to keep showing up at the same places at the same time so that I become a familiar face.

I’m not in desperate need of friends right now (grateful for that). I am newly retired at age 63 and a number of women in my life go to warmer places for the winter. So I have more free time than ever and less people to do things with. On top of that, I feel as if I’ve outgrown several of my friends at this point, and I’d like to meet more people as I enter this new chapter.

I go to the same yoga class at the gym every week, and I always go to the sauna after, which tends to have some of the same women from the class. I joined a beginner’s pickle ball group at the gym that meets on Tuesdays and Thursdays, though there’s always someone new joining or someone advancing out, so it’s not all the same people each week.

One woman I know and have liked for years in my neighborhood talks about a discussion group at her church that sounds intriguing, but I’ve never been into religion and I don’t know if it would be odd to start now. We’re friendly neighbors, not close friends, and I don’t know if it would be too forward to ask her if I could come along. I would definitely not go alone.

Is there something else I should be doing? While it’s nice to have a few regular things on my weekly calendar, it doesn’t feel like the social needle is moving.