When Alex Reed of Roses & Radicchio spoke in episode #164 about the earliest months of new motherhood, she said it was like being “deep in the forest.” Since my kids are 21, 18, 16, 13, it’s been a long time since I thought about those first months, but her imagery rang true for me. Alex continued the metaphor, explaining some parents “build a bonfire” while others “pitch a tent.” As she said more, I knew I’d been a bonfire mom. Alex was (is!) too. We both sought to build support and community around us because we felt we needed it.
This is true for friendship at EVERY stage of life! Not just new motherhood.There’s not a right or wrong way—but there are different approaches.
Alex was referring to that uncomfortable feeling of rejection or judgement when you’re in making new friends mode, but you bump up against people who are not open. You might be meeting someone who was open to a bonfire at one point, but they’re in tent mode now. Perhaps they’re managing a health issue, aging parents, a financial problem, or they’ve worked hard to develop friendships and they cannot manage one more relationship in this season of life. Alex and I spoke about looking for “fellow travelers” in the forest who are open to your approach—bonfire or tent. Both are valid. Both help you make it through the night. The problems begin when we insist everyone else use our method. The bonfire people are the ones who should make a point to join classes, reach out to fellow daycare parents, be brave and ask the woman from the library book hour who seemed nice if she’d like to grab coffee or walk next time. There are others open to the bonfire. Keep looking! A reminder for when you encounter a tent person:A tent person perhaps already had an inner ring, nearby parents, siblings or cousins, neighbors she likes, an established faith community. She might not feel open for more right now. That’s not a snub. That’s a full plate. Don’t write this person off forever or take it too personally when she doesn’t want to join your weekly stroller walks. Honestly, I could go on and on with this metaphor, but it’s really Alex’s so I will merely urge you to listen to Alex on episode #164 if you’re looking for new mom friends, or really new friends at any stage of life. This episode is applicable to so many of the letters I receive. Find Alex on Instagram too.
Shame & Friendship: What We Hide vs. What We ShareWhat happens when we carry shame into our friendships? How does it keep us apart? How does it connect us deeply to others? In episode #163, I spoke with author Melissa Petro, whose book, SHAME ON YOU: How to Be a Woman in the Age of Mortification, delves into the complex relationship between shame, identity, and connecting with friends. Together we explore how unacknowledged shame affects our ability to form deep, meaningful relationships. HIGHLIGHTS:
Two anonymous questions you might have missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time for the full archive.
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Thursday, 18 September 2025
Bonfires vs Tents in Friendship
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