I made a post the other day and I had one heck of a time getting it to load. Several days later there had still been no views, which is not typical. So, I moved the post to a draft. I was really starting to think, maybe God was blocking me from posting it because I got something wrong. I kept thinking about the post for several days tho.
Then yesterday, I was telling God that I didn't want to post anymore negative stuff, and especially messages to the church. I just wanted to take a break. He remained silent. I felt relieved because messages to the church make me antsy. Yes, even still today! I know some think, how dare you speak to the church especially being a woman. It puts me on edge. I typically post the message, then set it to the side. I usually don't go back over it.
I never could quite understand why God was choosing me to deliver a message to the church body when anyone could do it. I honestly never felt worthy enough to do so.
Well, last night I felt drawn to watch this one pastor I've become quite fond of listening to. And as I was watching it, it was a very similar message as to the one God gave me to share. I've said several times that God speaks in themes to many pastors, prophets, and messengers of God. It's still happening. I see it all the time. So, once I heard that message, then I really couldn't stop thinking about what I wrote. But, I still left it alone. Last night, I tossed and turned all night.
Today, He spoke to me. He asked one simple question. "Why are you denying Me?" And I was faced with what I've been dreading for the past month. Now let me say again, God doesn't ask a question He doesn't already know the answer to. He most assuredly knows the answer. Here I was finally facing it though.
As I mentioned about a month or so ago, I had developed this intense fear of God. I've always been afraid of Him. But, out of nowhere, I had this terrifying fear come over me about what I write and speak for Him. I pushed it down as much as I could but then it came back that one night a few nights prior. So, I finally let it all out. I wept.
See, I don't ever want to do anything that separates me from Him. It's terrifies me more than anything else. So when I say, I'm terrified it's of being separated from Him. I worry myself to death that I'm going to get the message wrong or say the words wrong. Sometimes we just don't know how to say what we see, except by using our own words. I worry that I misunderstood something or I'm being deceived. It happens. It's happened to me before.
Even the most seasoned of the messengers can get it wrong. But I worry about this and probably more so than a lot of others. I don't want to misrepresent God or say things He hasn't said. So I poured it all out and I laid it on the table. The first thing He said was this, "My sheep hear my voice. I know them and they follow Me." He's shared that verse with me many times over the years, many times.
I know He has done so because the church I was raised in, doesn't believe in such things. How is that possible? How can you not believe, when it clearly states that He speaks to us. I've had to overcome a lot of things that church taught me. Because a lot of it doesn't align with scripture.
God went on to ask me why I am doubting His words now. I explained how I was just really scared. He said, You've heard My voice always. Why doubt now?" I asked Him again, as I have many times, why I need to be the one to say these things. He gently said, "Because you know Me more than many others do."
And I instantly knew what He meant. It was because my faith has been there since IDK birth. I've always talked to him, since I was wee little. I knew He meant it was because of the longevity of our relationship. He also said, "Your fear is evidence of the truth in My words. You fear separation this much that you would rather not speak. That shows the intent and honesty coming forth."
He's right. I know some people seem so confident in what they say. Sometimes I am as well. But, there is some underlying things I need to overcome. It's still things I was taught in church about my place and about my station.
I asked God one time why He is choosing me, a woman, to deliver messages. His first response was, "Why not you. " The second response was, "Because many men refuse to speak the truth." Those are His words, not mine.
God uses who He will and in His time and He doesn't answer to no man. If He has a message to relate, it will come by whatever means necessary. Look at the Old Testament as an example of such.
I do get burnt out delivering the warning messages but this is the time we are in. You are being warned because time is almost up. Whether that be for the world, for you, or for me. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. God gets to decide, not us.
Talking to Him has eased my mind and heart. I asked if I could write this and share and He said, yes. I'm also going to repost the message from the other day. It is called, Brothers Of Judas. The church is coming under fire. Coincidentally, that pastor and his guest, also pointed out scripture in his message that went along with what I had received. At the time of writing it, I forgot about that passage. I'm glad God directed me to listen to that pastor last night. I'm even more thankful for the talk today.
It's good to fear God. It's somehow got twisted in my head a bit, the last few months. I'm almost sure now that's it's a spiritual attack. Simply because it's had me doubting things to the point of not wanting to post what God has said. His talk has opened me back up again though. I just don't ever want to be separated from Him and I never want to say or do anything that keeps you all separated from Him either.
I have learned today though that what He is wanting is for all to be saved that are called and that He wants those that are separated to repent and come back to Him. He loves us all so much. With love comes rebuke though. You don't get one, without the other.
Thanks for listening. God bless you all. God loves you and so don't I!
Tiffany 
Thank You God: Father, Lord Jesus, Holy Spirit.
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