Friendship Chemistry is Real, BUT Staying Close Takes Intention.Inspired by neuroscientist Dr. Ben Rein and friend duo Sunny & Jenn
You meet someone new and the conversation feels genuine from the get-go. You don’t feel awkward making eye contact while you’re talking or listening. Nobody is glancing at a phone or smartwatch. You two only stop chatting because one of you is late for work, class, or to get the kids. I hope you’ve felt this moment. It’s what we call “chemistry.” Neuroscientist Dr. Ben Rein (my guest in episode #174) would tell you that the feeling is real. Your brain scans for safety, familiarity, and it’s giving you the green light. But here’s what “friendship chemistry” can’t do for you: Everything that comes next. It’s not enough to feel that comfortable “click.” Not only does one of you have to make the first move, both friends have to continue putting in effort, showing up in good and bad times, and giving grace for the times you mess up. (We all mess up!) Now we’re onto the best parts of episode #173 with Pam Sunshine and Peloton’s Jenn Sherman—two women who’ve been proving for 40 years that chemistry may open the door, but commitment keeps you in the friendship. The Spark: What Your Brain Is Doing When You “Click” With Someone
In episode 174, Dr. Ben Rein, author of Why Brains Need Friends: The Neuroscience of Social Connection walked me through the behind-the-scenes moment your brain has during those instant connections. It’s not magic. It’s pattern-matching. Your brain looks at a new person and quickly decides: familiar, energizing, stay close. We also discussed what friendship does to your brain and why loneliness is SO damaging over time. We covered why introverts still need connection (just in smaller “doses”), why ghosting and quiet quitting in friendships can land so harshly, and what’s really behind jealousy when friends succeed, (plus how to override it). Yes, “friendship chemistry” is a real thing. But it’s not enough to drive the friendship forward. Some friendships fade because we assume the spark is enough. It never is.
Listen to episode #174 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! The Effort: 40+ Years of Friendship is Not “Luck”Meet Jenn Sherman (who you might know from Peloton) and Pam “Sunny” Sunshine who are the best friends behind the popular @sunnyandjenn accounts on TikTok and Instagram. They accidentally went viral on social media, but they’ve been doing the real work of close friendship for over four decades. I’m a BIG fan and begged them to let me examine their friendship on the show. Jenn and Pam’s business story is wild, but the real gold of this episode is how they’ve stayed close through many stages of life. Yes, they clicked quickly. Yes, they were lucky that a mutual friend introduced them. But the reason they’re still best friends 40 years later is simple: they chose each other over and over again. Effort, not luck. They scheduled the coffee dates, the beach days, the girls’ trips. They celebrated every win, big or small and showed up in hard times. They handled their disagreements before they could harden into resentment. (What Sunny calls her “lumpy rug” rule.) My favorite story was about Jenn showing up at Sunny’s house when Sunny wouldn’t answer her calls after an issue between them. You will have to hear it in the episode!
Listen to episode #173 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Ready to Start a Podcast? Let’s Go!I’m leading a workshop at ModernWell in Minneapolis from 9-11:30AM on Wednesday, December 3rd. Are you ready to start a podcast? I will tell you everything you need to know to get your podcast off the ground, saving you hours of time, energy, and decision making. Part of podcasting is deciding on your idea, but a great deal of it comes down to technological choices, which can feel overwhelming. Reading update!My updated 2025 reading list with pithy reviews is HERE. I’ve been sending those out in a newsletter since 2011.
Two anonymous questions you might have missed
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time for the full archive.
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Tuesday, 25 November 2025
Friendship Chemistry is Real, BUT Staying Close Takes Intention.
Friday, 21 November 2025
Here’s my #1 tip for adventure travel in Hokkaido
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Tuesday, 18 November 2025
The Friend Who Can't Commit to Plans
The Friend Who Can't Commit to PlansHow to show up for friends when advance planning drains you — a reality check for anti-planners.
This month’s anonymous letter is from a reader/listener who truly dislikes having a full, or even semi-full, calendar, but her friends are tired of her canceling or saying no. She doesn’t want her friends to feel hurt! I have some ideas. Have a friendship dilemma? You can tell me about it, anonymously.See more anonymous letters here.Catch up on the podcast here.Dear Nina,I truly cannot stand having things on my calendar. I love my friends, but it makes me feel panicky and stressed to see something on my calendar like a lunch, coffee, or dinner. A walk doesn’t bug me as much because I do need to exercise one way or another, but even that can sometimes make my day feel locked in. During the holiday season, it gets more compounded. I feel trapped by the calendar! I do like showing up for people, and I DO want the invitations, I just don’t want to have to say yes right away or look to January for a lunch date when it’s only November. How would I know what I feel like doing now in February? Recently two friends told me how hurt they are that I can never commit and that I just pop in when I feel like it. I can see how they feel taken for granted. I said it makes me feel trapped and I don’t like it, but it didn’t really end well or have a good resolution. Signed, Having a Calendar CrisisDear Having a Calendar Crisis,...Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app
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