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The Friend Who Can't Commit to Plans

How to show up for friends when advance planning drains you — a reality check for anti-planners.

Nina Badzin

Nov 19

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Photo of planner and markers by Estée Janssens on Unsplash

This month’s anonymous letter is from a reader/listener who truly dislikes having a full, or even semi-full, calendar, but her friends are tired of her canceling or saying no. She doesn’t want her friends to feel hurt! I have some ideas.

Have a friendship dilemma? You can tell me about it, anonymously.

See more anonymous letters here.

Catch up on the podcast here.

Dear Nina,

I truly cannot stand having things on my calendar. I love my friends, but it makes me feel panicky and stressed to see something on my calendar like a lunch, coffee, or dinner. A walk doesn’t bug me as much because I do need to exercise one way or another, but even that can sometimes make my day feel locked in. During the holiday season, it gets more compounded. I feel trapped by the calendar!

I do like showing up for people, and I DO want the invitations, I just don’t want to have to say yes right away or look to January for a lunch date when it’s only November. How would I know what I feel like doing now in February?

Recently two friends told me how hurt they are that I can never commit and that I just pop in when I feel like it. I can see how they feel taken for granted. I said it makes me feel trapped and I don’t like it, but it didn’t really end well or have a good resolution.