“I’m Doing the Friendship Work. Why am I Still Lonely?”When effort hasn’t yet turned into the closeness you’re craving
In this month’s anonymous letter, I’m answering a letter from a 37-year-old woman who knows how to put herself out there and has already tried many of the things we often talk about when it comes to friendship. What she’s struggling with is the lonely middle—the stretch between losing old closeness and building new relationships that feel deep, mutual, and sustaining.
Dear Nina,I am 37-year-old woman who loves your podcast, and I appreciate all the ways you've helped me evolve in my thinking on friendships. I'm looking for advice about how to deal with the loneliness between friendship phases. For various reasons, I'm currently not very relationally wealthy. I'm single and childfree. I have two siblings across the country, both recently married and preparing for kids, and my parents are in another state. I also have many very casual acquaintances, but most of my formerly close friendships have either faded due to life circumstances or ended due to values divergences. This happened in two waves: #1. after a religious deconstruction in my early 30s. #2. Over the course of the past 5-6 years as my other friends partnered and moved or started having kids (or both).
Dear “Trying but still lonely,”This letter really moved me. You are already doing so much of what I would advise, which you know as someone who listens to Dear Nina. On top of staying in touch with your family, taking care of yourself, slowly building new friendships at a realistic pace, reconnecting with a few college friends, and even talking to strangers, it sounds like you’ve taken in advice I’ve given about not waiting for invitations. You ask people to go for walks. You reach out to people you see at events. You’re doing so much important socializing work (and it IS work) and now you’re in that slow time of waiting for the emotional payoff. I do have some optimistic thoughts about that. We’ll get to that a bit later. Before we get to the more practical ideas, I quickly want to mention something you’ve probably addressed with your therapist (which is out of my realm so I’m just throwing out this possibility). It sounds like you’re dealing with more than loneliness. From your letter, it seems you’re also mourning some of the old friendships that had no clear ending, and you’re still in that grieving process. Some of these friendships seem to have faded because of life circumstances, while others changed more directly after your religious deconstruction. Sometimes a “fading out” of a friendship is harder to grieve than a breakup. Even when you know intellectually it’s not personal and it’s more about availability, proximity, and circumstances, I wonder if what you’re feeling is grief as you’re mourning a version of your life where friendships felt fuller and easier. Regarding the loneliness: yes, of course you feel lonely. You’re doing an excellent job putting yourself out there and doing the important work of taking care of yourself (massages, etc.), but none of that is the same as feeling deeply known, and that’s what you miss. I believe you will get there, and I wouldn’t take that 200-hours statistic too literally. (More on that in a moment too!) There is one important thing you didn’t mention in your letter, and I do think it will help. I also want to mention a point about your siblings, parents, and a few long-distance friends you might still feel close to. Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app
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