One of the trickiest parts of friendship is the process of moving from acquaintance to friend. It IS a process. Even if you have instant chemistry with a new potential friend, it takes time to go from acquaintance to friend. That stellar chemistry rarely makes up for a lack of experiences together where trust is built and where expectations of the other person would be appropriate. Ugh, but how long does it take to make a real friend?As we know from former Dear Nina guest, Dr. Jeffrey Hall and his team, who have been quoted (not always properly, I might add) in every friendship book, article, and social media post released in the past decade:
This week on Dear Nina, I spoke about the issue of expecting friendship-level activities, favors, and emotions from people are who are still acquaintances. (You’ve spent less than 40-60 hours getting to know them through a class, work, or some other regular time together.) “Acquaintance” is not a bad word.You can have fun times, serious talks, and feel a sense of social fulfillment from an acquaintance. I have lots of acquaintances and one step up—plenty of casual friends. Life would be dry without them. But our expectations around invitations and reciprocity from acquaintances (and even casual friends) needs to be right-sized. Many people out there are feeling rejected (and a sense of shame about that “rejection”) from people you are still getting to know and who barely know you. That’s not helping anyone’s confidence or sense of worth. (Quick shoutout to an upcoming mid-September Dear Nina guest, Dr Marisa G Franco, whose newest book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, comes out soon.) But doesn’t asking favors, inviting people to “stuff,” and counting on them bring you closer?Yes, but. I know that’s an irritating answer. Yes, those first 40 to 60 hours WILL add up by being brave and taking first steps like I’ve said on almost every episode, but not out of the blue and not after meeting someone once or twice. I’m not saying you should forget the idea of inviting, etc. Yes, invite, include, and let those hours add up. But until the hours accumulate to MANY HOURS, be careful about any expectations you have about response you’re going to get for your efforts. Your acquaintance isn’t going to necessarily text back right away, or invite you back, say yes to a trip, lean on you for emotional support, or want to be leaned on for support. Those are expectations are for friends. This week’s guest on the show was Caroline Maguire, an internationally recognized expert in social-emotional learning, ADHD, coaching, and relationship development. She’s the author of Why Will No One Play With Me? and most recently, Friendship Skills for Neurodivergent Adults. Her books have her client population in mind, but it’s wisdom for everyone.
We discussed how past rejection keeps people, especially neurodivergent kids and adults, from trying to make new friends. Caroline urged listeners to understand the difference between an acquaintance and a friend before categorizing something (intellectually, at least) as “rejection.” Caroline hears from clients on both sides of this issue. (As do I from listeners and readers.) A pattern we’ve noticed is that it’s tempting to skip over the acquaintance phase when trying to make new friends. But when any of us, including her clients, have been on the receiving end of someone’s friendship advances too soon, it can feel, to quote Caroline, “like this person is leaning on me as if I'm a friend for a ton of support, but I don't know them that well. And it's kind of making me scared.” She added, “Sometimes my clients don't know what to do and they're worried. They wonder is this a red flag?” It’s just practice!Caroline advised considering any early invitations you’re issuing as you’re building towards those 40-60 hours as merely “practice.” You’re practicing moving from acquaintance to friend, and if it doesn’t work out, that’s okay. “Practicing” might allow you to feel less attached to each acquaintance’s responses (or lack of response). As Caroline points out, sometimes we feel “rejected” by someone because we’re expecting friendship-level responses, but that person is still an acquaintance. And most of us do not say yes to everything an acquaintance throws our way because we’re balancing other responsibilities and people. There’s a lot more to say, but I will let the episode speak for itself at this point. It’s a really good one! FIND EPISODE #209 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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