10 Years Later, I Hardly Recognize Myself Because I'm Becoming Who I AmLetting go of a creative path in book publishing felt like some part of myself was dying. Now, I can see that other branches were coming to life.
Ten years ago this spring, I was with my people at the Festival of Faith and Writing at Calvin College. The first time I attended in 2012, I finally felt like I fit somewhere. These were mostly progressive evangelicals who wanted to make a difference with their writing and to lift up excellent books and fellow writers who were making our world a better place. I had a book that was doing OK, I helped fellow writers meet editors, and we had our little tribe that felt meaningful, positive, and encouraging. Then a lot of the world seemed to fall into pieces after the 2016 election—at least my world. Perhaps most accurately, that election revealed just how much the world had already fallen apart—the evangelical world, especially. How could people who claimed to hear clearly from a good and holy God ally themselves with someone who has such a horrifying history of exploitation, dishonesty, corruption, and abuse? There were moments when I had to ask myself if I needed to rethink my Christian faith. What remained that hadn’t been hopelessly corrupted by politics? I don’t write that to upset people. That’s where I was. I ended up resolving that I could stick with Jesus, albeit with some heavy questions that still don’t feel resolved, but I couldn’t stick with evangelicals. At first, I tried writing to evangelicals as a former insider, pleading with them to stop aligning themselves with political parties, especially ones that are so cruel and dishonest. It didn’t take long to realize that I just needed to step away from most of it. I had to spent well over a decade building a career as a writer for American evangelicals, and that election revealed I had to let it go. It wasn’t all bad because the modern focus of publishing on building an online platform can be draining and even toxic. Nevertheless, it was difficult to let go of something familiar that I had spent so many years building. I used to fear not having another book to work on as I completed one project, but at this point I was facing the prospect of letting go of writing books. While I wasn’t giving up on writing altogether, I needed a different outlet for my creativity as writing took more of a back seat. Maybe I could write more in the near future, but I wasn’t sure what I’d write about. I turned to art, teaching myself oil pastels through the “time-tested” methods of books, YouTube videos, and lots of really, really awful drawings. Art became a lifeline as I sorted through the loss of my identity as a Christian author. I soon found that there had long been an artistic part of myself longing to come out but stifled by my fears of failure—the real possibility of making terrible oil pastel drawings. Ironically, I have decorated my office with oil pastel drawings, given them as gifts, and even donated one to a local fundraiser, and yet, I’d still judge at least half of my drawings right now as “meh” at best. I kept writing here and there, but it wasn’t my only, or main, creative avenue. Oil pastels unlocked something that I’d overlooked for about 30 years of my life. Then, an even worse election followed in 2024, and I once again retreated into the solitude of creativity through woodworking. Something about woodworking with hand tools clicked for me. This was the creative outlet I’d longed for but had always ruled out for fear of failure, making something that looks terrible. I still write, but woodworking has felt like the creative avenue I needed to pursue. Woodwording has been the perfect combination of creative work and physical activity that results in something beautiful and useful that I can enjoy every day. For perhaps the past 20 years or so, I admired the people who could make things out of wood. Yet, I had long ruled out making any kind of fine or simply functional furniture. I would make too many mistakes and build something that looked terrible. It took some failures at writing and many, many failures at oil pastels to help me realize that every skill is built through struggle and gradual improvement. Each woodworking project has been a series of challenges to solve that generally revolve around 3 questions: How will I remove the material? How will I hold the wood down while removing the material? How will I join it together? Those 3 questions keep my mind busy, and the process of working with hand tools has been a quiet, meditative way to spend chunks of my free time. Back when I invested my time in becoming a professional author, I couldn’t imagine who I would be if I wasn’t publishing books. I was aware of not making publishing my entire identify, but it was still a huge chunk of who I was. I didn’t want to let go of it. Now, I can see that the creative, maker part of myself that found fulfillment in writing was also longing for the creative outlets of oil pastels and woodworking. These have felt like parts of myself that had always been present but needed the attention, resources, and practice to come to life. The person who drove to the Festival of Faith and Writing couldn’t imagine skipping it at any point in the near future. It would have been hard to imagine myself finding something else that was more fulfilling or better suited for myself. Now, I can’t imagine my life without the joy of woodworking. Letting go of a creative path in book publishing felt like some part of myself was dying. Now, I can see that other branches were coming to life. And honestly, writing hasn’t died, but it has changed and made more room for my other creative outlets. Such transitions are never easy, but on the other side, I have a wall of oil pastels, a workbench full of handtools, and a heart that is full of gratitude. You're currently a free subscriber to Ed Cyzewski :: Author // Contemplative // Maker. For the full experience, upgrade your subscription.
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Sunday, 14 June 2026
10 Years Later, I Hardly Recognize Myself Because I'm Becoming Who I Am
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Thursday, 11 June 2026
Your "Competition" Might Be Your Next Friend
Your "Competition" Might Be Your Next FriendOn abundance, collaboration, and making solid work friends
I like connecting with people who write and podcast about friendship rather than viewing them as competition. I started formally writing about friendship in 2014 when I first had an advice column for a website called The HerStories Project (and informally for many years before that). I’ve seen plenty of other people dive into the friendship topic since then. And of course some were there before me, too! Hi, I’m Nina. I foster the conversations about friendship that many of us want to discuss but are afraid to say out loud. Nobody “owns” a topic in the writing or podcasting world. If you’re going to write or speak publicly in any capacity, even here on Substack, you better accept that you have no “rights” to a general topic. If had an “ownership” attitude about the topic of friendship, I would have quit by now in frustration. Instead I went the other way, diving in deeper and starting the podcast in the summer of 2021, seven years after the advice column began. When I launched the podcast, I let go of my other writing topics. It’s been all friendship all the time for the last five years. What does collaboration over competition look like in practice?Rather than ignoring the writers, researchers, podcasters, etc., in the “social connections space,” I’ve had many on my show. I support their posts when they come through my feed. I share their articles and books in my newsletter. I connect with them in ways that make sense for both of us. There are many of us out here now, so I can’t feature everyone or have each one on the show—it would get overly repetitive for the listeners. But I think I’m coming at this all in the right spirit. And of course, I’m human. Sometimes I get that twinge of jealousy or worry when someone new and shiny comes along. But I strongly believe in seeing others in your “space” with gratitude that you have new colleagues who share your interests. You have more work friends now, which is a gift when you work alone so often. AND, they’re expanding the audience of people who want to discuss your topic. Everyone wins if you allow it. Not everyone shares this instinct.Some of the people who share this topic with me don’t follow me back on social media or don’t even reply if I comment on their posts—stuff like that. One friendship content creator ghosted me after we’d discussed getting together. And then unfollowed me on social media! The irony of being ghosted by someone in the friendship field is not lost on me. The ignoring of my comments or not following back in the first place used to really get to me, but after all these years and so many successful connections, I’m comfortable saying it’s their loss. I’m a fun and supportive work friend who will lift you up! My main point here?Not everyone in your industry needs to be viewed as competition. Your next good friend might even come from a collaboration with someone you’ve been keeping at arm’s length out of fear and out of a scarcity mindset. On episode 198 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I spoke with Mara Smith, founder of Inspiro Tequila, and Kim Oster-Holstein, co-founder of Twisted Alchemy. Their companies operate in the same industry. They attend many of the same events, share some retail channels, and speak to overlapping audiences. Instead of guarding information or treating each other as rivals, they’ve built a friendship rooted in celebrating each other’s wins and being honest about challenges. Business, writing, podcasting—all of it—can feel competitive and social media doesn’t help. You’re constantly seeing big announcements, awards, and milestones. But Mara and Kim approach things differently. When one sees the other doing something well, the response isn’t, “Why not me?” It’s, “Tell me how you did that.” Episode #198 is about friendship, but it’s also about adopting the life-changing mindset of abundance. Have you ever developed a meaningful professional relationship and even a friendship with someone you initially thought of as a competitor? I’d love to hear about it in the comments! Listen to episode #198 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts! Links About Friendship I Liked Recently“In Praise of the Friendship Triangle” by two-time Dear Nina guest and one of my favorite authors, Christie Tate “What to do when a friend gets ‘stolen’” by Greta Keenan of Friendship by Design My real-life and local friend, Emma Nadler, wrote the incredible memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, and she’s a thoughtful therapist and essayist. You’d be VERY LUCKY to get her advice on caretaking, grief, loss, life transitions, breakups, career setbacks and more. Write to her at emma@emmanadler.com. And look for her answers in Hope Is the New Hot on Substack. Tickets for “Dear Nina LIVE” — Less than 50 tickets left. Grab yours!
Books, Shows, Finds, and Recipes
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed (June is coming soon!)
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Curious about those once-a-month emails behind the paywall? The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
© 2026 Nina Badzin |
10 Years Later, I Hardly Recognize Myself Because I'm Becoming Who I Am
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