Your "Competition" Might Be Your Next FriendOn abundance, collaboration, and making solid work friends
I like connecting with people who write and podcast about friendship rather than viewing them as competition. I started formally writing about friendship in 2014 when I first had an advice column for a website called The HerStories Project (and informally for many years before that). I’ve seen plenty of other people dive into the friendship topic since then. And of course some were there before me, too! Nobody “owns” a topic in the writing or podcasting world. If you’re going to write or speak publicly in any capacity, even here on Substack, you better accept that you have no “rights” to a general topic. If had an “ownership” attitude about the topic of friendship, I would have quit by now in frustration. Instead I went the other way, diving in deeper and starting the podcast in the summer of 2021, seven years after the advice column began. When I launched the podcast, I let go of my other writing topics. It’s been all friendship all the time for the last five years. What does collaboration over competition look like in practice?Rather than ignoring the writers, researchers, podcasters, etc., in the “social connections space,” I’ve had many on my show. I support their posts when they come through my feed. I share their articles and books in my newsletter. I connect with them in ways that make sense for both of us. There are many of us out here now, so I can’t feature everyone or have each one on the show—it would get overly repetitive for the listeners. But I think I’m coming at this all in the right spirit. And of course, I’m human. Sometimes I get that twinge of jealousy or worry when someone new and shiny comes along. But I strongly believe in seeing others in your “space” with gratitude that you have new colleagues who share your interests. You have more work friends now, which is a gift when you work alone so often. AND, they’re expanding the audience of people who want to discuss your topic. Everyone wins if you allow it. Not everyone shares this instinct.Some of the people who share this topic with me don’t follow me back on social media or don’t even reply if I comment on their posts—stuff like that. One friendship content creator ghosted me after we’d discussed getting together. And then unfollowed me on social media! The irony of being ghosted by someone in the friendship field is not lost on me. The ignoring of my comments or not following back in the first place used to really get to me, but after all these years and so many successful connections, I’m comfortable saying it’s their loss. I’m a fun and supportive work friend who will lift you up! My main point here?Not everyone in your industry needs to be viewed as competition. Your next good friend might even come from a collaboration with someone you’ve been keeping at arm’s length out of fear and out of a scarcity mindset. On episode 198 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, I spoke with Mara Smith, founder of Inspiro Tequila, and Kim Oster-Holstein, co-founder of Twisted Alchemy. Their companies operate in the same industry. They attend many of the same events, share some retail channels, and speak to overlapping audiences. Instead of guarding information or treating each other as rivals, they’ve built a friendship rooted in celebrating each other’s wins and being honest about challenges. Business, writing, podcasting—all of it—can feel competitive and social media doesn’t help. You’re constantly seeing big announcements, awards, and milestones. But Mara and Kim approach things differently. When one sees the other doing something well, the response isn’t, “Why not me?” It’s, “Tell me how you did that.” Episode #198 is about friendship, but it’s also about adopting the life-changing mindset of abundance. Have you ever developed a meaningful professional relationship and even a friendship with someone you initially thought of as a competitor? I’d love to hear about it in the comments! Listen to episode #198 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
Links About Friendship I Liked Recently“In Praise of the Friendship Triangle” by two-time Dear Nina guest and one of my favorite authors, Christie Tate “What to do when a friend gets ‘stolen’” by Greta Keenan of Friendship by Design My real-life and local friend, Emma Nadler, wrote the incredible memoir, The Unlikely Village of Eden, and she’s a thoughtful therapist and essayist. You’d be VERY LUCKY to get her advice on caretaking, grief, loss, life transitions, breakups, career setbacks and more. Write to her at emma@emmanadler.com. And look for her answers in Hope Is the New Hot on Substack.
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You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Curious about those once-a-month emails behind the paywall? The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
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