Before You Give Up on a Friendship, Consider Speaking UpSometimes a friendship needs a direct conversation, not (another) slow drift apart.
Do you tell your friends if something they did or said bothered you? The more I dive deep into friendships (almost 15 years), the more I find that people assume a friend’s intent, decide to say nothing, then feel increasingly resentful over time. The result is either “the slow drift” apart or a more rapid decline in the friendship, which looks like one friend disappearing to express her hurt feelings while hoping the other friend will know that’s the reason. My rule of thumb for deciding whether to speak up about a hurt or disappointment is how likely it is to fester if I don’t. If the choices are between speaking up and drifting, speak up. If, on balance, this disappointment or hurt is not a pattern but a rare occurrence in a sea of consistently considerate behavior, I’d let it go. But notice I said there ARE times to speak up! This issue came up in the last two episodes of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, so it’s obviously on my mind and listeners’ minds. Normally, I’d write an entirely separate piece here on Substack with takeaways from an episode. But these last two weeks featured especially deep and nuanced conversations, with way too many nuggets for me to choose from, so I will leave you with both descriptions. Bottom line: If you’re struggling right now with feelings of disappointment in your friendships and/or trying to figure out what’s worth addressing with a friend vs. what might be “an inside job” of working on yourself, then both episodes will help.
“Are you expecting too much from one particular friend?”Are you expecting too much from a friend, or are you accepting too little? For episode 216, I spoke to Sally Vardaman, author of Shoot the Arrows. Sally originally reached out after hearing an episode with my mom (episode 72) in which we discussed a friendship that ended, in part, because my mom felt the other person was “too needy.” Sally shared a story about being the “needy” friend. For years, she felt disappointed that one of her closest friends couldn’t meet certain emotional needs, even though they had a loving friendship. Eventually, they talked about the mismatch and found a way to move forward without expecting either person to change. Sally and I discussed:
FIND EPISODE #216 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! “The friendship conversation you’ve been avoiding.”Maybe you’re tired of always initiating plans, a friend made a joke that stung, or you sense that a once-close friendship is drifting. Do you say something or let it go? Sometimes we avoid these conversations because we don’t want to make things awkward. But is staying silent helping the friendship? My guest, Jewel Hohman, has spent nearly 6,000 hours coaching people on social anxiety and friendship. She joins me with a practical framework and scripts for deciding when to speak up, when to let something go, and how to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding. Jewel and I discussed:
FIND EPISODE #217 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
Friends, Diet, and BodiesThank you to Jenny Eden Berk, MSEd for inviting me to her Substack, JUST ONE MORE BITE, for a chat about food and friendship. We talked about what to do when your friends talk about bodies and diets nonstop. And you’ll have to read to the end to see my answer to: “Which food would you say best represents your personality as a friend and why?”
Books, Shows, and Other Finds
From the DEAR NINA FRIENDSHIP DILEMMA LIBRARY
Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Curious about those once-a-month emails behind the paywall? The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
|
No comments:
Post a Comment