An Embarrassing Moment from College I Held onto for Three DecadesWhat Dr. Marisa G. Franco taught me about “open vs. closed memories”
I told the story below in more detail in episode #211 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. (And I was lucky to get Dr Marisa G Franco’s guidance right on the spot.) I’m giving you the cliff notes below because I’m generous that way.
“That Boy”Once upon a time in 1995 when I was a first semester freshman in college, a guy I was friendly with squeezed the side of my body while someone in our crew was looking for a keycard to get into the front door of our dorm. It wasn’t what he did, it was what he said that seeped into my mind for 30 years. That detail of where we were standing by the dorm and why why we were standing there (looking for the key) is irrelevant. I’m only mentioning it to demonstrate how clearly I remember everything about the quick exchange I had with, “that boy,” which is how I will refer to him henceforth. “That boy’s” side-body squeeze was meant to be friendly, like an arm around the shoulders. It was the way he said “WHOA” when he felt how much there was to grab on the side of my low-rise mid-90s jeans that completely humiliated me. His “whoa” was full of disgust and surprise, and he said it in front of everyone. I remember him laughing afterwards. I remember tearing up but then playing it off like it was no big deal. I didn’t want anyone in the group to feel uncomfortable. I didn’t want “that boy” to feel uncomfortable. I was 18 and already self-conscious about my weight, so his reaction felt like a confirmation of my fears. I just took the embarrassment and carried it with me FOR THE NEXT THIRTY YEARS. Everything about the memory filled with me shame—not only what he said, but the fact that I didn’t stand up for myself and point out, in front of everyone, what a jerk he was. He deserved that. I told this story (with a lot more color) on episode #211 because of a friendship story in Dr. Marisa G. Franco’s newest book, Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment. Marisa describes Esme, whose classmate essentially says, Stop calling me, we’re not friends, and how Esme’s misjudgment of her standing in that relationship caused her a tremendous amount of friendship uncertainty for the next several decades. And who could blame her. I winced reading the story and hearing it again on my episode. Open MemoriesMarisa helps Esme work through her painful “open memory,” a concept you can read about in Worth and hear about in episode #211. The open/closed memories section of the book prompted me to think about the moment with “that boy” and how, as Marisa says in our episode, “The reality is it’s not all of our memories that continue to shape how we perceive reality now. It’s open memories.” What is an open memory?
In the episode, Marisa and I practiced how I could turn the open memory with “that boy” into a closed memory. And you know what I’m going to say next, right? You have to listen to the episode. Honestly, it’s such a good one. You won’t be sorry! FIND EPISODE #211 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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