Who Taught You How Friendships Are Supposed to Work?The old assumptions and habits we carry into adult friendships
Was Seventeen Magazine my guide to how friendship is supposed to work? Was it the Sweet Valley High series? As I’ve written about in the past, I credit #40, On The Edge, about Regina Morrow’s overdose, for keeping me away from drugs and “fast” crowds in general.
I definitely learned subconscious lessons from Saved by the Bell, then later, Beverly Hills, 90210. What was your first introduction to bigger ideas like a “popular group” or more subtle ideas like what “enough” friendship effort looks like? Or how perfectly “equal” a friendship must be to feel nourishing and important? (It’s no secret around here that I think stringent ideas of what “equality” looks like is ruining too many solid friendships.) Could anything your parents, teachers, and school counselors tried to teach you about friendship have changed your media-soaked assumptions when you were young? Maybe! Can you still undo some of the more damaging assumptions and habits that seeped in now that you’re a grownup? YES! An unexpected theme along these lines came out over the last two episodes of Dear Nina.I did not expect there to be a VERY unified theme in episode #206, “How Friendships Change When You Stop Drinking” with guest Suzanne Warye and #207, “The Teen Friendship Habits We Bring Into Adulthood” with Sheri Gazitt of Teen Wise. Both Suzanne and Sheri talked about friendship behaviors we learn (or do NOT learn) when we’re young that are hard to break when we’re older. For Suzanne, it was about alcohol’s centrality to socializing in general, to not feeling awkward with new people or at events, and to being part of the group. The episode with Sheri was more explicit on this theme of what we carry into adulthood. Some examples: a fear of telling a friend we’re upset or the idea that any time we’re not included it’s a crisis (perhaps because our parents acted as if it was).
Suzanne has created an enormous community around what she calls “The Sober Shift” (which is also the name of her book). It’s the idea that alcohol (and other substances) do not have to be the center of every social experience, but it definitely takes some adjustment. Sheri’s business and book helps teens and their parents with the social skills many current adults lack. She’s setting them up for success at a much earlier age. I hope you’ll take the time to listen to one or both of the episodes and think about what patterns from your earlier years you’re bringing into your adult life and which ones it may be time to retire. It’s never too late to take on newer and healthier ways of being a friend, making friends, and keeping the friends who matter to you. Listen to Suzanne’s episode on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts! Listen to Sheri’s episode on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
Friendship ideas from others that I recently appreciated
Books, Shows, and Other Finds
From the Dear Nina Friendship Dilemma Library
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