Are you taking the way friends spend money (or don’t spend money) too personally? It’s natural to assign meaning behind friends’ decisions around finances, but we have to fight the urge. Their choices likely have nothing to do with us. “Why did she choose that inexpensive restaurant for my birthday even though we went somewhere nicer for hers?” “They get their kids Starbucks every morning, but won’t be part of the group gift for [so and so.”] “She can obviously afford the girls’ trip. She just doesn’t want to come.” “She’s suddenly free for weekday lunches now that she sold her business. I can’t keep up with that lifestyle.” “They renovated their house but won’t donate to the fundraiser I organized.” To quote this week’s guest on episode #195 of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship, Heather Joelle Boneparth of Bona Fide Wealth, co-author of Money Together, and co-writer of The Joint Account, “You really don’t know the financial situation of anybody else. You might think you know, but you have no idea.” In Heather’s work and in the research for her book, she’s seen how complicated people’s relationship can be with money and how many factors shape choices around spending and saving. When we make financial decisions, how those choices might affect our friends’ feelings is usually just one small factor on a long list—if it’s a factor at all. There’s how we were raised to think about money, what we’re saving for, what stresses us out in the present and for the future, what makes us feel secure, and countless other influences most people around us never fully see or discuss. Let me say this directly: how our friends spend money is none of our business. And how they spend is so intricately connected to how they want to (and how they can) spend their time. Who can really be the judge of those decisions for anyone else? That said, we can’t deny that differences over financial decisions can get in the way of friendships. On episode 195, Heather and I covered:
Most importantly, we discussed why empathy matters more than assumptions when it comes to money and our friends. I think you’ll appreciate how Heather’s mind works. Here’s a sample: enjoy Heather’s analysis of the memoir, Strangers, by Belle Burden. Listen to episode #195 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
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