On reciprocity, hosting, and why "equal" is the wrong goal in friendshipWhat we get wrong about keeping score in friendship
The topic of reciprocity comes up often on Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship and in this newsletter. I find myself (gently) arguing with people who are looking for their friends to mirror their exact gestures. Just last month, a post I wrote titled, “The Planners vs. The Joiners: A Friendship Reality Check,” brought in 109 new free subscribers and 16 paying ones. While that one was about feeling taken advantage of as the regular planner, you can apply the same concepts to this week’s episode—hosting. The reciprocity conversation should be more nuanced than what I tend to see out there. The reality is that nobody will mirror your exact friendship efforts, because we are all different. An introvert whose social battery runs out quickly is not going to initiate plans as often as someone with a strong desire to be out with friends for hours and hours. Often the frustration comes from not knowing if your friend even wants these efforts. Do they like when you initiate or are they annoyed? There is never one answer to this. Sometimes you need to be direct and ask, which requires honesty that the lack of (perceived) reciprocity is bothering you. Sometimes you need to accept your friends for who they are. If your friend doesn't need as much social time as you do, the answer might be expanding your friend circle rather than guilting this particular friend into showing up the way you would. I could give many more examples of scenarios that seem “unequal,” but are merely personality differences. But let’s focus on hosting since that’s what my episode was about this week. In episode 196, I spoke to Stephanie Hansen—cookbook author, novelist, broadcaster, and podcaster—about hosting people on a regular basis. We were generally focused on hosting in places like lake homes, condos in Florida, and other second homes. But in Stephanie’s case as a professional chef and foodie, she ends up hosting quite a bit in both the Twin Cities and at the family cabin in Ely, Minnesota. Stephanie loves entertaining, but she also admitted she can’t remember the last time someone invited her over. I think this happens more often than frequent guests realize. We assume the person who is good at hosting always wants to host. We confuse generosity and ability with endless capacity. I will die on the hill that even the best friendships will rarely feel “equal” in effort at all moments. But good friendships should feel mutually considerate over time. If you have a friend who consistently makes all the plans, you don’t need to become a master initiator to demonstrate your desire for the friendship. But let your friend know you appreciate and notice her efforts. That’s thoughtful, even if not “equal,” and it counts. If you have a friend, who has you over regularly for dinner parties and even weekends away at her cabin, you don’t need to purchase a lake home to reciprocate. Take your friend to dinner. Invite that friend over for takeout. This is another example of thoughtful, not “equal” reciprocation. And yes, it counts! I think you get the idea. While I constantly advocate not keeping score in your friendships and not expecting friends to mirror your every move, it’s perfectly acceptable to expect thoughtfulness. Don’t settle for less. Listen to episode #196 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you get your podcasts!
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Links About Friendship I Liked RecentlyCazzie David’s “Etiquette for Befriending a Friend’s Friend” felt somewhat satirical but also partly serious. It was hard to tell. Either way, I appreciated it because there are some great tips in there, though anyone who would expect a friend to do ALL of this is asking too much. This HuffPost piece about a friendship breakup and reconciliation five years later reminded me of an early and still popular episode of Dear Nina about my own version of breaking up with my best friend from college and reconciling. (Ours was NOT wedding related.) My friend was my guest! Ep #34: Listen on Apple or Spotify or anywhere you get your podcasts.
Books, Shows, Finds, and Recipes
Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed (The May letter is coming next week!)
Note: book and product links could be affiliate links, which might pay me .05 cents if you use it. Maybe even a whole dollar. Thank you! Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them! Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website
You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Curious about those once-a-month emails behind the paywall? The anonymous letters (and my answers!) come from the rawest places of friendship uncertainty. They deserve the most sensitive readers who are not going to roll their eyes, leave troll-ish comments, or make the letter-writer feel foolish for asking. If you’re willing to upgrade to this part of the newsletter, I know you’re there with the best intentions to be part of a community that’s not afraid to ask the tough questions and who will read the answers with an open heart. If that’s you, I’d love to see on the other side. :)
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