Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for EveryoneAre they mad at me? Do they like me? Am I in trouble? (Make it stop!)
Your friend doesn’t text back right away. A tone feels slightly different. Plans change. Availability shifts. And suddenly the spiral starts: Are they mad at me? Should I check in? Did I offend someone? Did I do something wrong? This week on Dear Nina, I spoke with licensed psychotherapist Meg Josephson, author of Are You Mad at Me?: How to Stop Focusing on What Others Think and Start Living for You, about this exact pattern—especially how it shows up in friendships. I’ve been singing the praises of Meg’s book for the past five months, so it was a thrill to interview her for the show! What I appreciated immediately about Are You Mad at Me is that Meg doesn’t frame people pleasing and the constant need for validation as a flaw or a bad habit we just need to break. She explains that people pleasing and validation seeking is a survival response, known as fawning. Many people learned it early as a way to stay safe, liked, and connected. It worked then. The problem is how easily that same instinct can ruin adult relationships. The problem of “fawning” in friendshipsAlways rushing to make sure you did nothing wrong and that you’re not “in trouble” with your friend is exhausting for both sides of that friendship. The constant monitoring will make you feel like you’re never a good enough friend. And having a friend who never feels secure in the friendship can get tiresome quickly. Instead of assuming neutrality or goodwill, the fawner assumes fault. Instead of tolerating discomfort, the fawner rushes to fix it. Instead of letting relationships breathe, the fawner monitors them constantly. I say this with zero judgement. As you will hear in the episode, I needed this episode FOR ME. Meg and I talked about how fawning shows up as overthinking, over-apologizing, and a constant focus on how we’re being perceived—especially by the people we care about most. One of the most important distinctions we get into is the difference between reassurance-seeking and real emotional connection. Asking “Are you mad at me?” over and over may feel like vulnerability, but it often keeps us stuck in the same loop. The relief is temporary. The anxiety always comes back. What actually helps instead of seeking your friend’s reassurance is learning how to slow down and tolerate discomfort. As Meg points out, healing a fawn response isn’t about convincing yourself that no one is ever mad at you or just doesn’t like you. It’s about learning how to be honest with yourself. Sometimes a situation calls for reflection, accountability, and repair. Sometimes we don’t click with someone or they don’t click with us. And sometimes there’s nothing to be done except letting the discomfort exist without contorting yourself to manage someone else’s perception of you. That’s often the hardest part. (And it’s exactly what Meg is discussing in the short clip below.)  Many of us were taught—explicitly or implicitly—that being liked meant staying safe. So when we sense even the slightest possibility of disapproval, we rush to smooth things over. We explain. We apologize. We make ourselves smaller or more agreeable. Not because we’re manipulative, but because we’re uncomfortable sitting with the idea that someone might not feel great about us. But not everyone has to like you. Hear me again: being disliked isn’t a crisis. A friend being disappointed isn’t a crisis. Learning to tell the difference between when we need to repair a slight rift and when we’re fawning is a practice. (Meg discusses her specific advice for that practice in her book and on my episode.) Doing this work is how friendships stop feeling fragile and start feeling steadier and more real. Listen to episode #183 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
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Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed
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Wednesday, 11 February 2026
Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for Everyone
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Why Fawning in Your Friendships is Tiresome for Everyone
Are they mad at me? Do they like me? Am I in trouble? (Make it stop!) ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ...
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