This month’s anonymous letter comes from someone who’s wondering if her 25-year friendship can survive a lack of emotional reciprocity (commiseration)— and whether her own envy is part of the story. Have a friendship dilemma? You can tell me about it, anonymously.See more anonymous letters here.Catch up on the podcast here.Dear Nina,I have a friend who never commiserates, and I don’t know if that’s a reason to move away from a friendship, or this is more of an envy problem on my part. Here’s the story: I have had a 25-year friendship with “Kim” and we’ve each raised two daughters, who are now in their late 20s. While raising our children, I would express my struggles with parenting every now and then, but she’d never commiserate. What I mean is, she never expressed that she had anything but an easy times with her girls. Our daughters took the same tracks in life at first. They all went to college, and they all are wonderful human beings. But her daughters took the more traditional (the more secure) route of the 9-to-5 job, whereas my daughters are freelancers and entrepreneurs. Her daughters are great savers and have both purchased homes. My daughters are not savers and rent. Kim and I now live far away from each other since we retired so we only speak on the phone instead of seeing each other face-to-face, but once again there is no commiseration. Kim’s girls, according to her, are picture perfect and everything is going great, whereas my girls, as wonderful as they are, find themselves struggling because they’ve chosen different paths in life. As I’m writing this I think part of the problem is in my own acceptance that my children have taken less traditional paths. I also recognize that Kim’s girls take her advice and her husband’s advice very seriously so they’ve done things like ask for help on how to be financially secure and they’ve listened and followed through with that. My husband and I have given the same guidance, but our girls are more headstrong/independent and choose to not heed. I’d love some feedback on how to handle a friendship in which one person can’t at least commiserate on some level so that you know you’re not standing alone with these things in your life. Also, how do I tame the envy I feel that her daughters are thriving and mine are struggling. And finally, I wonder if what she has been doing throughout our long friendship is using toxic positivity? Thanks, Just Want Someone to Commiserate Dear Just Want Someone to Commiserate,...Continue reading this post for free in the Substack app
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Wednesday, 15 October 2025
The Friend Who Never Commiserates
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