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My Friend Is Always “The Devil’s Advocate”

When you're exhausted by a contrarian friend

Nina Badzin

Sep 14

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Why Does My Friend Argue About Everything?

Dear Nina,

I’m having a major issue with a close friend, “Ainsley,” who has been there for me for many years. We share several good friends and our kids attend schools in the same district. The kids aren’t in the same grades, but they’re close in age so on top of doing friend stuff together, Ainsley and I are also part of the same community. We talk on the phone consistently, text a lot, and do things together in person. Like I said, she’s a close friend!

I like so many things about her. She’s thoughtful, always up for doing fun things together, and I know she’d drop everything if I really needed her. The one issue that has been building up over time is that she is the biggest contrarian. “Can I be the devil’s advocate?” is something she says often.

Ainsley takes the other point of view no matter the topic. It’s a combo of being a contrarian + a know-it-all. If we were debating something like politics it would make more sense as people have different points of view they might want to represent. But I’m referring to the most unremarkable details of life.

I could be telling Ainsley about an issue with my kid and what she’s dealing with in fifth grade, and she will have an answer for everything. Why didn’t I try this or that? Why don’t I consider x, y, z? Okay, maybe that’s one issue worthy of discussing so not a great example.

If I liked a book, Ainsley thought it wasn’t worth finishing. If I didn’t finish a book she recommended, she’s really surprised I didn’t enjoy it. That’s another thing. She’s often “surprised” by my choices and opinions even though they’re pretty run-of-mill choices and opinions. Again, we’re talking about tiny things here.

I realize how petty this sounds as I’m writing it, but that’s how it feels on the receiving end to get commentary about anything and everything I say. I’m constantly having to defend my take on any little thing—which grocery store I like, what time I eat dinner, and on and on and on. Ainsley always knows better.

I assume you’re thinking, “So stop spending so much time with her.” It’s not so easy. Our lives are very intertwined. Also, any time I think about distancing myself from this friendship, I remember all the times she’s been a great friend. I can’t figure out if she’s getting worse or I’m getting less tolerant about this trait of hers as I get older.

I guess what I’m asking is, how do I get Ainsley to stop putting me on the defense about so many topics? Or is that impossible and I should consider distancing myself since I know we can’t really change another person?

Thanks, tired of being questioned and criticized...