Plenty of friends for “the pool,” but not “the jacuzzi”What if you have lots of casual, decent friends, but nobody in the inner circle? Two weeks ago on the podcast (episode #136) my assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs, and I answered a fantastic and relatable question from a listener facing that exact issue. She wasn’t asking how to make friends. She was struggling with deepening friendships. You can hear the full letter in the episode! Rebekah and I discussed concrete ways for getting closer to people you already like and creating deeper bonds: increase the frequency of your time together, share good news, be “messy,” ask for a favor, change the venue, and become beginners together. The “pool” vs “jacuzzi” metaphor the letter writer quoted came from episode #126 with Anna Goldfarb– Is it Time For a Friendship Cleanse? In Anna’s book: Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, Anna talks about these water metaphors for thinking about our social lives. We can have lots of friends in “the pool” but only a few belong in “the jacuzzi.” Maybe three to five? And we only get one or two in “the bathtub,” which might include a significant other. Anna saw my post on Instagram about this episode and commented with even more wisdom, which I’m quoting for you here. She said, “This is a great question! How do you determine who’s in your jacuzzi? It depends on the roles these people play for you. Tom Rath writes in his book, Vital Friends, that there are eight core roles loved ones play for us.”
There’s more on this in Anna’s book, Modern Friendship. To quote Anna Goldfarb describing her book: “You will come away knowing who is in your inner circle and why.” Meet the Dear Nina assistant producer, Rebekah Jacobs
Another reason to listen to episode #136 is that Rebekah joined me “on air” to answer last week’s question, but she’s been behind the scenes for at least six months. Rebekah and I are newer good friends, with our own friendship story. (We shared at the beginning of the episode.) Rebekah and I met because she was a listener with an equally deep interest in friendship. She’s a college professor, longtime writing teacher and writing coach, and a major reader. She lives in the suburbs of Maryland with her husband and three kids (reminder, I’m in Minnesota) and she’s VERY SMART. Another interesting thing about Rebekah, which you’ll hear about in an episode later this spring, is that she has no social media and hasn’t for many years. And finally, it’s good for people to know that if you’re pitching the show as a potential guest, you’re really writing to me AND Rebekah. We make these decisions together because it’s hard to run an entire show all by yourself, which I know because its what I did for many years. I’m thrilled to have Rebekah on the team! FIND EPISODE #136 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! KEEP UP WITH THE 2025 FRIENDSHIP CHALLENGEYou can start the 2025 challenge any time. Each month is meant to stand alone and you don’t need an entire month to accomplish any of them. Find the challenges for January, February, and March at this link. STAY IN TOUCH AND LET US KNOW HOW IT GOES by commenting on each month’s post or in the Dear Nina Facebook group. Episode #137: Find Your Walking FriendsMany of us enjoy walking with friends for the mental and physical benefits. However, the power of walking with friends is EXTRA inspiring in this week’s episode. Leslie Hooton had to learn to walk multiple times throughout her life because of a stroke she had when she was born and numerous surgeries she’s endured since. Leslie shares how neighborhood friends each took an assigned day when her beloved gym closed so that Leslie’s muscles would get the essential movement necessary to keep her on her feet and healthy. Leslie shares wisdom on friendship she gained through these walks and through life in general. This is one you don’t want to miss if you didn’t catch it the first time. FIND EPISODE #137 on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Articles and Other Finds About FriendshipI see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
THANK YOU TO ARMOIRE—THIS WEEK’S DEAR NINA SPONSOR
Dear Nina listeners can give Armoire clothing rental a try and get up to 50% off their first month, that’s up to $125 OFF! Just visit armoire.style/dearnina. Links to Amazon, Bookshop.org, or other affiliates might earn me a tiny commission, which helps operations of Dear Nina. You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time for the full archive AND for (optional!) quarterly Zoom hangouts with Nina and other paying subscribers.
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Friday, 21 March 2025
Your 3 to 5 Closest Friends
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