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Divorce + Empty Nest and the Desire for New Friends

Plus: Envy as a guide

Jan 23

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Welcome to a new season of anonymous friendship questions! Have a friendship dilemma you’d like me to answer here or on the Dear Nina podcast? You can write to me on this form without entering an email address. I hope I can help. I like to try!

Dear Nina,

I'm about to go through a divorce, my child will be heading off to college next year, and I’m essentially starting over. I live in a town where it’s been difficult to build lasting friendships, and I know others have shared similar feelings. Most of my close friends are from my child’s preschool years, a few from college, and I have a couple of close friends locally.

As I enter this new chapter of my life, I’m reflecting on my current friendships and realizing I need more reliable, supportive people around me—friends who can truly be there as I navigate these changes. Given all this, what’s the best way to approach building and maintaining friendships in this new phase, and how can I ensure I have the support I need?

Thank you, “ES”

Dear “ES,”

I’m sure some readers are tempted to say, “But she already has some close friends and decent-enough friends. Many people don’t even have THAT!” Fair enough. But I sense a different yearning in you, which is why I chose your question.

You’re looking for something entirely new. I think it’s more than “reliable support,” though that’s definitely important, and I’ll address that too. I think it might be fun, excitement, and I suspect—most of all—less judgement. Perhaps the identity you’ve created for yourself thus far is based on parts of your life that no longer fit. It can be hard to do that with old friends. Not that I’m suggesting letting go of old friends. But yes, it’s time for some new ones in the mix.

This might seem like an odd place to begin with your next social move, but I want you to think about anything that has made you jealous in the past few years. Write out a list. I will tell you a few examples from my life, which might nudge you towards some ideas of your own.