Today's Paper
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Today's Paper
OUR PICKS:
RUSTY of St. Paul: "While my wife is a mother, she is not my mother — though she apparently feels a need to fill this role, as my mother passed a few years back.
"Yesterday was the funeral of a friend's mother. While my wife was showering and then putting her church clothes on, I put my painting clothes on to finish up a 10-minute painting project.
"I did not have my 'dress' Carhartts on, but my 'work' ones with big stains on them. I wore a painting shirt that fit me perfectly 20 years ago, but now is two sizes too small; thus, it was skin-tight, and my midriff was exposed and poking out big-time. Sigh.
"As she came out of her changing room, I came up from the basement.
"'I'll be ready to go in a jiff,' I said, as most guys can change in a flash.
"She took that to mean I was not going to change my clothes.
"She gave me the hairy eyeball and said: 'You are NOT wearing those clothes!'
"As a gag, I decided to play along. Our friend's mom lived in South Dakota (I'm not even sure where that is); thus, I met her only twice and didn't have a distinct memory of her. One of those times was at my friend's wedding, and that was 35 years ago.
"I told my wife: 'Why not? I barely knew her. She wouldn't mind.'
"That notion got the kibosh, and I was changed and ready to go in two minutes and 57 seconds. And most of that time was spent wiggling out of my too-tight painting shirt!"
GREGORY J. of Dayton's Bluff reports: "Minnesota, the Star of the North, became the 32nd state of the union on May 11, 1858. So in honor of our state's 164th birthday, I created my first Minnesota mini-tree.
"It salutes the great outdoors with pine cones, fish, a loon, bald eagles, a bear and, of course, a moose and squirrel.
"The University of Minnesota is represented by a number of ornaments, including Goldy Gopher and one from the U's College of Veterinary Medicine, compliments of my nephew, Dr. Chuck the veterinarian.
"Sharp eyes might spot ornaments saluting the Minnesota State Fair and the St. Paul Winter Carnival.
"On the sports side, there are a couple of ornaments commemorating the Minnesota Twins World Series Championships in 1987 and 1991. I looked all over for my Minnesota Vikings Super Bowl Championship ornament, but … never mind. Maybe one will exist by this time next year.
"Finally, under the tree are some souvenirs of Minnesota's Centennial in 1958, which for some reason was celebrated with much more fanfare than this year's 164th birthday. Go figure."
TIA2D: "Subject: Panic Button.
"When I was in high school (1969 or 1970), the gym teacher kept a cassette player in the locker room with some music tapes. One day, after class, I noticed no one had turned it on, so I pushed the start button. The most horrible, loud sound started the second I pushed the button. I frantically tried the stop button and every other button I saw, before I realized that the alarm was going off for a fire drill.
"The next part of the panic was that I was only partially dressed, as were other classmates. We quickly got at least decent and exited the building.
"That frightening moment has stuck with me because it was so unexpected."
GRANDMA PAT, "formerly of rural Roberts, Wisconsin," writes: "Subject: Our animal companions.
"The number of residents in our senior apartment has diminished. My sister Nancy has had to send her canine companion Maggie — an intrepid Australian Blue Heeler (also healer) off to the spirit world.
"We miss her, especially each time we come in the door. When Nancy came in, Maggie would do a very elaborate dance routine. When I came in, she would do one tail wag, which clearly indicated 'Meh.'
"Now, my hefty cat Mr. Wiggles has stepped up to keep us both involved. Early each morning, he gets his staff going. First, he leans on Nancy's legs and waits to be brushed. Next, when I am making my coffee, he stands by the container of cat food and waits to be served. I sometimes tell him that there are cats who have to go out hunting for breakfast. I explain that they have to eat raw mice, with the fur still on, and no seasoning.
"He does not believe it."
JOHN IN HIGHLAND writes: "Subject: 'The Ballad of Easy Rider.'
"Roger McGuinn, singer, guitarist and banjo player, was in town for a concert recently. Most popularly remembered as the co-founder of the Byrds, he still performs at solo concerts.
"His playing of the 12-string Rickenbacker guitar has been described as sounding like 'church bells.'
"He tells the story of his life, growing up in Chicago, where he learned to play guitar and banjo.
"One of the people he got to know when he was with the Byrds in Los Angeles was movie actor/producer Peter Fonda. It was late in the 1960s, and Fonda was in the middle of producing a movie that would feature himself, Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson. Fonda wanted to have a theme song for the movie, so he asked McGuinn for help. Roger set him up with Bob Dylan, and Peter flew to New York to meet him. At their meeting, Dylan was writing down notes. When he was finished, he handed the notes to Fonda and said: 'Here, take this back to McGuinn, and he will put it to music.'
"The song became 'The Ballad of Easy Rider.' I have seen Roger McGuinn in concert three times, and he always tells this story of how the song came about.
"'The river flows,
"'It flows to the sea.
"'Wherever that river goes,
"'That's where I want to be.'"
Writes RANCID BEEF of South St. Paul: "I found this quote from Hunter Farrell, talking about his recent book, in an interview in the PHP Post newsletter: 'Why do we focus so much attention on the hungry child but invisibilize the child's parents, extended family and community, conveniently ignoring the systemic causes of the child's hunger?'
"Invisibilize? That word nails-on-the-chalkboardizes me!"
LeoJEOSP writes: "We had a relative graduating from the post-grad Vet College of Iowa State.
"I-35 is a four-hour car ride to Ames, Iowa. While at a state rest stop, I had a little spare time and went over to the vending machines. No Mountain Dew available, so next was the snack machine.
"The machine had one solitary Twin Bing! My hometown manufactures the Twin Bing, and I love them.
"I put $1 in and selected Twin Bing. No Twin Bing. By this time my S.O. is ready to leave. I am not leaving until I get that Twin Bing! She suggested I put in another dollar and select the keypad number . . . and then the Twin Bing was mine. The prices were not shown until you made your selection. $1.75 is the most I ever paid for the Twin Bing.
"She retrieved the Twin Bing and opened it and took one of the two Bings.
"So, I paid $2 for half a Twin Bing, as I forgot my change in the machine."
A pair of "timericks" from TIM TORKILDSON: (1) "I haven't had a bit of luck since 1982; / and so I think my sinking ship must now be overdue. / When at last it does arrive, with treasure loaded down — I'll miss my step upon the pier and like enough I'll drown."
(2) "I've come from the dead, / who want you to know / it's raspberry jam / and no lumbago. / There's optional wings; / kazoos, but not harps. / And all noisy preachers / are kept under tarps."
KATHY S. of St. Paul: "Subject: A beautiful Day in May.
"On Mother's Day 2022, my church performed baptisms, and it was so much of what we have all waited for. The leaves are budding, the babies are beautiful, and one of them toddled around clutching her new baptismal candle like a magic wand. Proud visiting families celebrated their newest citizens, and the regulars added their blessings. Because, by custom, the newly baptized are shown around our church so we can add our approvals.
"May all our children grow in safety, wisdom and grace, and bring joy to this world. And may their unusual beginnings give them extra gifts of strength, creativity and bliss."
Band Name of the Day: At Least Decent
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