This month’s anonymous letter: a reader wonders whether she’s obligated to maintain a friendship with the woman who welcomed her into a new school community years ago even though the relationship now leaves her feeling drained, criticized, and emotionally exhausted. This one is about friendship “debt,” staying too long in an unhealthy dynamic, and the difference between a direct friendship-ending conversation and simply letting a friendship fade.
I’ve known “L” for 10 years. We met when our daughters were in 2nd grade and our family was the new family at school. Our girls are still good friends today and are close to graduating from high school.
“L” was welcoming when we were new at that school and I’ve always appreciated that. But over the years, I’ve noticed L has had difficulty with friends. And I think I know why. When she’s with me—and I have to assume it’s similar with others—L has a habit of putting me down or one-upping me no matter the topic: whose kid’s summer day camp was better, whose college advisor was better, whose vacation was more original or sensible or whatever way she’s defining “better” that day. She is always making little remarks about the other moms we both know. Someone has always recently “wronged her” and she still talks about “wrongs” from many years ago. I leave our time together totally depleted.
I don’t think we’re close enough for me to address these personality quirks directly, and I’m not sure I’d want to anyway. I’m not going to change her. I think I just want to stop reaching out, which I didn’t do often, but we probably have seen each other every six weeks or so after running into each other at something school or team related and then making a plan from there.
But what do I do when she contacts me or asks about getting together when I run into her? Am I forever indebted to L for being kind to me a decade ago?
Thanks for any help, “Q”
