Friday, 20 December 2024

The 10% Rule in Friendship

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The 10% Rule in Friendship

Plus: Savoring our friends' news with "Tell me more"

Dec 20

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It was a full circle moment on the podcast this week when I got to tell my guest, positive psychology coach, Ann Imig, how she played a part in this friendship gig.

It had nothing to do with our episode topic, which was “The Negativity Bias in Friendship and Moving Towards Positivity Instead.” And I spent too much time talking about myself. (Sorry, Ann!) But it was a thrill for me to connect the dots from Ann’s creation of the Listen to Your Mother Show in 2010 to my first friendship advice column in 2014. I will not restate it all here, but if you’re interested, it’s all in episode 125 of Dear Nina.

Let’s get to Ann’s discussion of the 10% rule in friendships, her brilliant reminder to use the expression, “Tell me more,” and some other nuggets of wisdom from Ann’s coaching work.

Using the 10% rule to handle conflict with friends. And saying “Tell me more!”

In a favorite moment of mine from the episode, Ann said:

“What if you could allow that the other person is at least 10% right? And what if you spent your energy in the conversation looking for that 10% point of connection, especially if it's somebody you really love? Or that there's 10% of the information you don't have right now that might completely change your opinion.
So even allowing that you don't know everything going on, whether it's from your perspective or actual information, can calm the situation down and help you get a little more curious.
. . . And ask yourself, at the end of my life, looking back, how important is this? And that can guide you for how you want to treat this other person. Because so many conflicts are about people getting dug in about positions, and there might be a place of connection that you're not seeing right now.”

Then Ann shared another useful framing for connecting with a friend. This is Ann in her own words, from the teachings of psychologist Martin Seligman:

“Let's look at the positive of how you can enrich the friendships that are going well. When somebody shares a piece of news, it's not just ‘yay’ it's ‘TELL ME MORE.’
Where were you when you got the news? What did they see in you? Draw out the story. This changes our brains and the brains of the person that we're talking about in real time, because our brains have neurons that mirror the other person when we're speaking. . . I know this podcast is all about making plans, taking time to spend together—this is money in the bank. Be present, show up when you show up in deep curiosity and genuine questioning, especially when things are going well. Because of this negativity bias we were talking about earlier, it's harder for us to remember the good things.”

Episode 125: “The Negativity Bias in Friendships”

FIND EPISODE #125 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.

One more episode you might have missed in the last two weeks

I answered three short anonymous friendship dilemmas from listeners. The full text of the letters can be found here (but I also read them in the episode).

The subjects are:

A listener whose friend makes little digs at her whenever they shop together.
A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.

Episode 124: “Friends Who Make Little Digs and Two More Letters”

FIND EPISODE #124 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.

Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days

Reading: I finished The Snarling Girl, a new essay collection by Elisa Albert. I’ve been an Albert fan since her first short story collection in 2008, How This Night is Different. Both her fiction and non-fiction have a bite, and I always appreciate her utter honesty. I’m listening to The New Menopause by Dr. Mary Claire Haver. It’s hardly a thrilling read, but it’s stuff I need to learn.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: On Apple, I’m all caught up with Shrinking, and I still love it. I finished Disclaimer. I hated the first two episodes of Disclaimer, maybe even the first three. Then I got the idea and reached the end quickly. Did I like it? I guess so? It was not exactly a pleasant viewing experience. I’m watching Outlander and Three Women on Starz.
Cooking: My husband and I loved this chicken shawarma dish, but our kids did not.

Articles and Other Finds About Friendship

I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!

On making new friends after 50 (and why you should be open to it). by Charles M. Blow in the NYT. (gift link)
This MPR piece about being “ghosted” by friends after cancer was much discussed on my Facebook page and in my Facebook group. It hit a nerve.

Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below.

Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed

The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank You

Nina Badzin

Nov 22

Read full story

Branching Out of a Friend Group

Nina Badzin

Mar 29

Read full story

Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.

A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina on Apple Podcasts to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! If you listen on Spotify, you can leave stars there too!

Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links

You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. For anonymous friendship dilemmas and my answers, and to show support for my work, become a paying subscriber.

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Tuesday, 10 December 2024

Do you miss making new guy friends?

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Do you miss making new guy friends?

Plus: thoughts on liking your friends' social media posts

Dec 10

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This week’s Dear Nina guests, comedians and writers Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo, are part of what just might be the greatest group of guy friends ever. (Write to me about yours and I’m willing to amend that statement.)

Each November their group travels from around the country to Peter Luger Steak House in New York to award a gigantic “Man of the Year” trophy to one of their childhood friends. A tradition that, in Matt’s and Aaron’s words, “has kept our crew going strong since the ’80s.”

They spend some of the year campaigning in their group text about who is having the best year, but the vote happens in person in November. The more people who heard about their tradition, the more questions they got about these friendships, how they stayed so close for decades, and so on. A podcast was born, Man of the Year, with a mission to help men maintain closer friendships.

Obviously I needed to have Matt and Aaron on my show. But since my audience is heavily female (thank you, Spotify and Apple for those stats!), I asked them to help me tackle an often-requested topic from my mostly female audience—one I’ve been avoiding since 2016: male-female friendships.

Why have I avoided that topic since 2016? You will have to listen to the episode. But you knew I was going to say that. In our 30-minute episode, we also spent time discussing something I’ve noticed on social media—people in their 20s and 30s complaining that their close friends ignore their social media posts. I usually get on TikTok to beg people not to judge their friendships this way. (Matt and Aaron didn’t necessarily agree with my take.)

Intrigued? I hope so! All the ways to listen to are below.

FIND EPISODE #123, “Male-Female Friendships and Liking Your Friends’ Social Media Posts” on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts.

Articles and Other Finds About Friendship

I see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!

“Boys and men are experiencing a crisis of connection” by Shannon Carpenter in CNN
“She’s 102 years old, thriving, active and living life on her own terms” by Judith Graham in The Washington Post (thank to my friend Lindsey Rose for sending this. It was perfection.)

My favorite part:

“Jaffe remains engaged with other people. She has subscriptions to the Metropolitan Opera, the New York Philharmonic and a chamber music series. She participates in online events and regularly sees new exhibits at four of New York’s premier museums, where she has memberships. She’s in regular contact with family members and friends.
Jaffe also belongs to a book club at her synagogue on Manhattan’s Upper West Side and serves on the synagogue’s adult education committee. For more than a decade, she has volunteered several times a week as a docent at the New York Public Library’s main branch on Fifth Avenue.
“Loneliness, it’s not an issue,” she said. “I have enough to do within my capability.”

Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days

Reading: I finished listening to All Fours, but can’t say I enjoyed it. Still, I did get to the end, which is not true for every book I begin. This is a not a spoiler to say that when I reached the last lines my first thought was, “I hope Jordi has a better friend than this.” I’m in the middle of reading The Snarling Girl and Other Essays, an essay collection by Elisa Albert.
See my full 2024 reading list, which I update on my website throughout the year.
TV: Still watching ungodly amounts of TV and cooking a ton. Most notably enjoying the part 2 of season 7 of Outlander on Starz, which is infinitely better than season 6.
Cooking: I’ve been making recipes out of The Modern Proper cookbook and What to Cook When You Don’t Feel Like Cooking. Both are great! I’d recommend both as gifts if you have a cookbook lover in your life.

Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed

The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank You

Nina Badzin

Nov 22

Read full story

You've Outgrown This Friendship (For Now)

Nina Badzin

May 4, 2023

Read full story

Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you.

A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina on Apple Podcasts to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! If you listen on Spotify, you can leave stars there too!

Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links

You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. For anonymous friendship dilemmas and my answers, and to show support for my work, become a paying subscriber.

Comment

Restack

Crowdspring

Friday, 20 December 2024