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Another Layer in the Exclusion Conversation

On power, effort, and the friendships we want but haven’t built

Nina Badzin

Jan 22

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Sometimes listeners tell me my podcast episodes are too short.

Nervy, right? YOU try editing weekly audio and video tracks and then we can talk about length.

But to be fair, sometimes I see their point.

Take this week’s episode. In episode 181, Exclusion and the Power to Build New Friendships, best-selling author Amy Weatherly and I reflect on our own experiences of exclusion and talk directly to listeners who are still in that painful space—feeling sad, angry, or stuck after not being included in girls’ weekends, group chats, or dinners with “certain groups.”

In 30 minutes, we discussed:

Why adult friendship isn’t “everyone gets invited” the way it is in childhood
The difference between “a bad heart” and a bad moment
How labeling people as “mean” or “toxic” can keep you stuck
Why it’s usually better to look for a friend, not a group
How confidence (and self-reflection) changes everything
This difficult reality: rejection is part of making friends
Building your own “table” instead of trying to squeeze into someone else’s

I love this episode. Amy and I both had a lot to say. And we could have said a lot more!

Here’s how Amy described the episode to her (over one million) readers on the Sister I am With You Facebook Page:

“I did a podcast with the lovely Nina Badzin about exclusion and how we are all affected by it. My views have changed a bit over the years. There is rarely a black and white or an easy route when It comes to friendship. I have softened when It comes to the way I view others, because life is hard and I do believe the large majority of us are doing our best to do right by others.
My heart has never been made lighter by labeling or blaming others. It has only happened through forgiveness, continuously learning and loving my people as ferociously as possible.
There is some tough love here, but these are the things I wish I had been taught on exclusion when I was younger and the things I am working regularly to teach my children.
I hope you’ll take a listen and I hope you will feel emboldened afterwards. Your feelings are valid. Your hurt Is real. But you are never powerless.”

Sometimes there’s more we wish we could have said in the episode.

One of the hardest parts of talking about exclusion and friendship is this: it’s not always that everyone is “mean.” Sometimes there is work to do on ourselves, too.

Amy and I talked a lot about power—about what we can and can’t control when friendships change, fall apart, or never quite get off the ground. After the episode, Amy wrote a short piece expanding on one of the most important ideas from our conversation: being honest about your own efforts.

She puts words to something many of us sense but rarely say out loud. Not all exclusion is frivolous cruelty. Sometimes it’s simply the result of relationships we hoped would exist, but never fully built.

What follows isn’t about blame. It’s about agency. It’s about the quiet, unglamorous work of friendship—the kind that doesn’t show up in Instagram photos.

Here’s Amy.

And then sometimes you have to be deeply honest with yourself and say “is it fair this person didn’t invite me because I don’t remember the last time I invited them? Is it fair this person didn’t reach out to me because I don’t remember the last time I reached out to them? Is it fair this person doesn’t feel connected to me because I don’t remember the last time I tried to connect with them?”
Friendship will never work if you expect to receive without doing your fair share of giving. Friendship will never work if we feel entitled to withdraw from a bank we have never deposited into. Friendship will never ever ever work if it’s only going one direction.
The cardinal rule is: if you want it, you have to give it.
And sometimes, the truth is, we haven’t given. We haven’t been intentional. We haven’t worked to build trust between us and the other person, so maybe not being included was fair.
Maybe we wanted all these fun parts of friendship—the girls’ nights, the trips, the parties, but we have not done the dirty work of participating in the mundane, the not-flashy, the boring parts of friendship.
Foundations aren’t usually laid during the pretty pieces we see splashed on someone’s social media. They were laid during phone calls, responding to texts, showing up when they needed us, and normal coffee dates in sweatpants.
The stuff nobody cares about and the stuff nobody sees—that’s where the best parts of true friendships are formed. If you want the gold, you have to be willing to participate in the gritty.

Listen to episode #181 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!

Books, Shows, Recipes, and Items I’m Into These Days

READING: Still reading and liking A Complete Fiction by R.L. Maizes. I haven’t made much progress on the audio version of Half his Age by Jennette McCurdy, but I plan to. And I’m bummed to report I really didn’t like Theo of Golden. Am I the only one???
Here is my final 2025 reading list. And the new 2006 list.
TV: I’ve been watching lots of Stranger Things. I started season 4. It’s the rare show that’s simultaneously extremely endearing and completely terrifying.
RECIPE: I’ve been making a garlic confit for Shabbat similar to this one for the past several months.
SHOPPING TIP: My best friend (and three-time Dear Nina guest) Taryn is a makeup artist. She recommends these inexpensive brushes from Real Techniques. I appreciate makeup brushes that aren’t a lifetime investment. Ulta. Amazon. You can poke around either site for sets for the face or the eyes.

Two Anonymous Letters You Might Have Missed

Do You Make Yourself Smaller Around Certain Friends?

Nina Badzin

Jan 19

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I Keep Showing Up, but I'm Not Making New Friends

December 17, 2025

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Let’s connect outside of this newsletter: You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group. All the social media links are below. I know I need to get rid of some them!

Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | My Website

You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship.

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**Yearly subscribers can email me one detailed friendship issue and I will email you back personally.

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Do You Make Yourself Smaller Around Certain Friends?

Choose the friends who are curious about you

Nina Badzin

Jan 19

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Photo of the light through the trees by Nicole Mason on Unsplash

This month’s anonymous letter is from someone who feels unable to share her successes or little details of her life because her friends show little curiosity or seem annoyed when she talks about herself.

* Have a friendship dilemma? You can tell me about it, anonymously.

* Want more personal one-on-one advice? Annual subscribers—you can get a personal email back from me about your dilemma once a year.

* See more anonymous letters here. Catch up on the podcast here.

Dear Nina,

I have a lot of friends so I feel funny writing to you. My issue isn’t that I’m lonely or need people to do things with. I’m busy enough.

The issue is that I feel like I’m only half of myself when I’m around most of my friends.

If I talk about work, they don’t ask follow up questions or they change the subject. I feel like I’m bragging when I talk about things that have gone well in my career (mostly because nobody asks me about work). Or I get a vibe from them as if they’re thinking, “Who does she think is?” sort of no matter what the topic is (not just work).

I guess I’m not totally sure what I’m asking other than, is it normal to feel like you have to be quiet or “dull” or smaller around your friends or they’ll find you annoying?

Signed, “Lucy”