Yes, you should go where the friendship energy is flowing in your direction, where the support is clear and enthusiastic, and where you don’t need permission to be yourself. Go where you are not begging or chasing. Please. HOWEVER, the best way to create that friendship haven is to focus on who you are giving that kind of energy to as well. Your view of friendship cannot entirely center around who is inviting you and leaning towards you. You must invite, lean, try, ask. You must give. Give and TakeMost episodes of Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship are recorded in a small, quiet office in my house. It’s me, my virtual guest, and my microphone. Episode #160 was different. It was the first-ever live episode Dear Nina, recorded in front of a sold-out audience in Highland Park, Illinois. The reason I chose my childhood hometown for the first live show instead of my current home (Minneapolis) is a story I told this week in episode #161. But stay with me for the live episode (#160) for a moment. The theme of the night was: “From the Cafeteria to the Mahj Table: Friend Group Challenges from Teens to Midlife and Beyond.”
I’ll be honest: while planning the live show with my assistant producer and friend, Rebekah Jacobs, I had the same nervous flutter I’ve felt in any uncomfortable social situation. Do they really want me at this lunch table? Will they like me once they get to know me? That kind of stuff.
Months later, the room filled with laughter, nodding heads, and applause. It was a success! But that wasn’t magic. Rebekah and I put A LOT of effort into that night. I’ve personally put in a decade of writing about friendship and many of years of writing about various topics before that. I could not have planned an event like this in the first year of podcasting and expected the room to fill.
And still, our efforts are not always equally reciprocated, despite our hard work.If you’ve listened to Dear Nina for any amount of time, you know I rarely let an episode go by without urging listeners to let go of the idea that friendships have to be “equal” in the way most people define equality. I won’t get too much into that here because I discussed it a lot in episode #156, #160 (the live ep), and in many others. The confusion of friendship “energy” (who is giving and who is taking) comes up often when people write to me about friend groups (at any age). Sometimes these groups are the best part of life. They can be our safety nets and our source of fun. Other times, they’re complicated, dramatic, and even painful. The one phrase that kept coming up during the live conversation is this: Go where the love is. That line came from a short reading by author Amy Weatherly of “Sister, I am With You.” It can be found on their Facebook page, here. People told me that Amy’s words brought tears to their eyes. If a friend group feels like work, if you constantly leave feeling drained or excluded, if you’re nudging yourself into a space that doesn’t want to make room for you, it’s time to make a change. You don’t have to stay at that lunch table, figuratively or literally. You can choose people who make you feel safe, appreciated, and understood. Although it will take time, patience, and work to find those people. I urge you, before you put your focus on anyone else’s efforts, think about where you’re putting your social energy, your “love.” Who have you chosen? And why did you choose them? Really force yourself to answer those questions. And finally, are you expecting 50/50 in all aspects of friendship? If you are, you’re going to be disappointed. That’s not just advice for middle schoolers—it’s advice for all of us, at any age. FIND EPISODE #160 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Ep #161: How Much Can You Expect Friends to Support Your Business, Book, or New Endeavor?This week’s episode is bringing up a lot of feelings for certain listeners. If you’ve ever felt disappointed when friends didn’t support your new business, follow your new social media account, buy your book, attend your launch, or even acknowledge your big news online, this conversation will make you feel seen. And if you’ve wondered how much is reasonable to ask of your friends, we dig into that too. This week I spoke with bestselling author, Jackie Friedland, who released her fifth novel, Counting Backwards. Jackie opens up about the highs and lows of asking for support from friends. And her experiences echo what I hear from others in my “Dear Nina” inbox.
I’d love to hear from you: Have you ever been surprised (positively or negatively) by who showed up for your big work moment? FIND EPISODE #161 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts! Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
Links to Amazon, Bookshop.org, or other affiliates might earn me a tiny commission, which helps operations of Dear Nina. You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. Frustrated with some of your friends? You’re not alone! The anonymous letters are a perk for paying subscribers. You probably have a similar question. Upgrade any time for the full archive.
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