Oops: The Friendships that Feed You Vs. Bleed YouDo you leave time with that friend renewed or exhausted?
Well, that was strange! A very unfinished version of this newsletter went out to email subscribers (almost 2K of you!) without me pressing any of the necessary buttons, which I only knew from seeing it in my own inbox. Did you get it too? The way my heart fluttered! My goodness. I have no idea how that happened, but fellow Substack writers, beware, I guess. Does this friendship “feed you or bleed you?”Many of the anonymous letters I receive ask me how one knows for sure that a friendship has come to an end. The letter writer will often explain the many good things the friend has done in the past. Inevitably, the next paragraph lists the ways this same friend has drained the letter writer beyond reason. Credit to this week’s guest, psychologist Dr. Adam Dorsay, author of Super Psyched: Unleash the Power of the 4 Types of Connection and Live the Life You Love, for the helpful, rhyming expression challenging you to ask yourself, “Does this friendship feed you or bleed you?” (Oh, and Super Psyched has been endorsed by Lori Gottlieb, Daniel H. Pink, Mel Robbins, Guy Kawasaki, A.J. Jacobs, and many others.) Dr. Adam’s exact words in the book:
I think the “fed or bled” question is a great one if you’re unsettled in a friendship. Like Adam insinuates, I agree that no situation is perfect. You will not be “fed” 100% of the time. However, I suspect if you even have to ask the question, you already know the answer. While friendships that “feed us” are an essential type of connection at every age and the area I discuss most often on Dear Nina, Adam and I expanded our conversation in episode #132 to the four types of connections we need. Those four areas are: connection to ourselves, to others, to the world around us, and to something greater. The something “greater” includes any kind of awe, and this works for atheists, too. I loved recording this episode! Adam has THE BEST VOICE—trust me. We also discussed the “feed” model for enhancing connection, the consequences of disconnection, the nuances of loneliness and solitude, strategies for revitalizing old friendships, the role of activities in making new friends, and the impact of a fear of rejection on social interactions. We packed a lot into 34 minutes. Adam and I got along so well that we recorded a entirely different episode about adult friendships on his podcast! (Ep #247 of SuperPsyched, “A Conversation With Nina Badzin”). FIND EPISODE #132 of Dear Nina on Apple, Spotify, Youtube, and anywhere you listen to podcasts!
REMINDER: The February Challenge is happening now.This month consider a simple tradition or ritual you could begin with one friend or more. If you have rituals or traditions you’re already doing with friends, share in the comments of last week’s post or in the Facebook group. (Or respond to this email.) Articles and Other Finds About FriendshipI see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Books, Shows, Recipes I’m Into These Days
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