Readers, some major scheduling successes (with friends) happened this week. First, a friend who lives over an hour away wanted to make a lunch plan with me and two other friends. Her text was a masterpiece. She did NOT text, “Let’s get together for lunch.” She did NOT text, “When can we get together for lunch?” She texted something like, “Lunch in January! Here are some dates.” She offered plenty of dates to choose from, and it did not take long to get a plan on our calendars. Easy! Done! A similar interaction happened days later. There are a few women I play mahjong with from time to time. It’s been too long, so one of the women did something simple and so appreciated. She did NOT text, “Who wants to play mahj?” She did NOT text, “When can we play mahj?” She stated that she misses us, wants to play, and offered, YEP, plenty of dates to choose from. Within the hour we had a specific plan for a few weeks from now. Easy! Done! I thought, this is episode 121 in action! (Episode 121 was about how to make plans.) In that episode, I read two anonymous letters dealing with different issues with scheduling plans, and in my answer, I admitted that I often make it “my problem” to get out the calendar first. I look at my calendar and throw out dates when I’m the one suggesting the plans. I think that’s the right way to go when you’re suggesting plans, so it doesn’t bug me. But I also seem to do it if the other person starts with, “Let’s walk,” or something like that. Why am I the one suggesting the dates in those second scenarios? It’s probably a hyper focus on efficiency, a desire to show that I’m genuinely interested, plus an itch to delete items from my various inboxes. Let’s please acknowledge that It’s extra labor to always be the one poking around your calendar to suggest dates. There are no actual rules to all of this, but I think if you suggest the plans, you should also suggest dates. If you cancel the plans, you should suggest new dates. And if you’re the invitee who cannot hangout on any of the dates your friend suggested, then it’s your turn to scour the calendar and offer alternatives, assuming you’re interested, which perhaps you’re not. (“I’m Just Not Into This Friendship” is a different issue, which I covered in episode #73 with Ruchi Koval.) You might be thinking, But Nina, nobody is even asking me for plans. If you have ever listened to my podcast, you know I will say that most people are terrible at #1. reaching out and #2. making plans. You should absolutely not wait for other people to make plans. If you want plans, make the plans. And if you want those plans to happen at a certain time and place, then you suggest the dates, times, and locations. Like I said, there are no rules here, but one thing is certain: if you are always waiting for other people to reach out, then you will not have as many things to do with friends. One of my goals for 2025 is to sit with more patience between texts, which means giving others a chance to do some of the calendar work and being more comfortable with those metaphorically unchecked boxes in some of my communications. Wish me luck! Two episodes you might have missed in the last two weeksHow to make plans with friends!Per all of the above, this episode was the newest letter spotlight, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans. I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends! FIND EPISODE #121 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts. Grieving the End of a FriendshipFriendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue. In my 10 years of writing about friendship and receiving letters, I’ve seen that it makes little difference if there was a direct confrontation with the friend, a fade out, or an abrupt ghosting. No matter the circumstances, we must take time to heal. Learn more about Diamonde’s documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde. FIND EPISODE #122 on Apple, Spotify, YouTube, or anywhere else you get your podcasts. Books, Shows, etc. I’m Into These Days
Articles and Other Finds About FriendshipI see so many friendship-related things, either because I find them myself or listeners send them to me. I love hearing from listeners and readers!
Want to connect outside of this newsletter? You can find me most often in the Facebook group, Dear Nina: The Group, where we discuss books, shows, recipes, and of course, friendship. All the social media links are below. Instagram | TikTok | YouTube | LinkedIn | Threads | Twitter | My Website Two anonymous friendship advice questions you might have missed
Have an anonymous question for the newsletter or an episode? You can do that here, and I will never know it was from you. A FAVOR: If you’re enjoying the podcast, please leave a review and 5 stars on Apple Podcasts. Scroll down after you arrive at the main page of Dear Nina on Apple Podcasts to highlight all 5 stars and press the “write a review” option. It can be one-sentence. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! If you listen on Spotify, you can leave stars there too! Have a great week everyone! Links to bookshop.org and Amazon are affiliate links You’re a free subscriber to Dear Nina: Conversations About Friendship. For anonymous friendship dilemmas and my answers, and to show support for my work, become a paying subscriber.
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